lim peh ka li kong 令伯卡你讲

Skill and style of telling stories is as per what you see - Singlish plus Hokkien dialects. Kam siah for coming into my BLOG and read, thank you! All content is copywrite "Old Beng" unless otherwise noted.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

忆先父

我成长于一个典型的华人家境,敬老尊贤、长幼有别、父亲乃一家之主的观念从小就根深蒂固。

在这四十多年来,我从不曾对着我的父母亲说过 “我爱你” 这三个字。我不爱他们吗?我肯定、确定很爱他们但就是说不出口,华人总是比较含蓄吧,我想。

从小我与父亲的关系就不亲;在我还是一个三个月大的小男婴时,父母亲就已经把我托给我的外婆看管和照顾。可能从小就只和外婆相依为伴,没什么人与我多接触与交谈,从小我就是个沉默寡言的小孩子。

自小我就被指示称我父亲为 “阿叔”,当时小脑袋瓜的我不明白为什么别家孩子都叫他们的父亲 “爸爸” 而我却不能叫自己的亲生父亲“爸爸”。

直到我到达入学的年龄我才搬回去与父母亲同住,也开始了父亲与我的多一点沟通,多一点了解。

犹记得小时候的我很怕父亲,一起吃饭的时候真的连气都不敢呼得太大声。现在回想一下,父亲当时其实并不可怕,只不过我小时候较沉静而父亲也是个不多话的人,除非他喝醉酒。

老实说,在我就读于小学其间,他并不是一个很好的父亲(一个我无法否认、隐藏以及改变的事实)。他是个喜欢喝酒的人,每个月在领了薪水后的头几晚,他一定会在深夜喝得醉醺醺的回来。

吵闹、穰嚷、发疯似的骂人,甚至于威胁着要打所有在他面前的人。

他会在门外闹事、吵嚷、狂笑、痛哭、张牙舞爪;有一两回,邻居们实在忍无可忍的报了警。

当时年少的我什么事都做不了,只能把自己关在房间里,脑海里就只想着他为什么会这样?我愧羞得无法面对邻居们,小小心灵甚至于希望警察叔叔们把发酒疯的他抓去坐牢。

但,清醒的父亲其实是个好父亲。和所以的父亲一样,他关心我的饮食与学业上的进展。

还记得在小二的时候,我考了第二名,只输给了第一名的同学一分。父亲四处炫耀似的告诉亲朋戚友他的儿子是全校第二名,只与第一名相差一分罢了,来年再拼过。父亲脸上那骄傲的笑容至今还清晰地锁在我脑海里。

然,当小学的我与父亲的关系正朝着越来越好的方向前进时,由于莫种因素(和父亲有关),我被迫于在我中学时期搬去和我的阿姨同住。我的成长期是在我阿姨家度过的,那一段日子说真的,过得并不好。

当时父亲每个月总会来找我吃晚餐,但我每回总会露出一脸的不悦,默默的与父亲吃完一顿饭。现在回想,其实当时的我总是很期待与父亲的一个月一次的聚餐,只是当年年纪太小,思想幼稚,一直怨恨父亲,因为他的缘故,我必须与阿姨同住。十八岁后,我终于离开了阿姨的家,搬去与婆婆住。

记得有一回,深夜两点半,我在睡梦中被电话吵醒。电话另一端传来父亲酒醉模糊不清的声音,只听见 “。。。睏。。。没注意。。。撞电灯。。。” 原来父亲喝醉酒驾车,发生车祸撞上电灯杆,幸好人没事,却需要我去保释他。那夜之后,虽然父亲没把酒戒掉,但我发觉他再没有喝醉的时候。

在我与查莫人注册结婚登记时,父亲是我的证婚人,当时父亲对我说了一番话:“结了婚就要一心一意的对查莫人好,多容忍、我们身为男人必须让女人多一些,毕竟她把自己的终生托付于你,知道吗?”

犹记得我购买第一辆车时,父亲陪我到几间车行试车;在买了车之后,也陪我到无人的停车场教导我倒退泊车的技巧。

印象最深刻的一件事,是当我在三十岁时因为胃溃疡内出血而住院。父亲在傍晚时分来医院探望我,除了坐在旁边陪着我,阅读着报纸,他几乎都不讲话。在他离去的时候,他用手拨了拨我额头上零乱的头发,只说道隔天再来看我。我不知晓我与父亲的体肢接触原来是这么的自然,半点也不觉得别扭。

还有,还有许多关于父亲的片段,都深藏在心底。带他吃各种不同类型的食物,日本餐、韩国餐、意大利餐等等,当然也还记得他初次尝到芥末(wasabi)的模样。但,吃到最后,他还是觉得中餐最好吃。

然后,父亲退休了,时间多了;有几回,他都和我吃早餐,之后载我到公司上班。

由于父亲没到过欧洲,我们父子两打算携手一同到欧洲旅游,好好走上它一两个月。只是当时我刚转换工作不到一个月,没办法申请假期,只好挪后到一年后才打算,这却是我人生中最遗憾的一件事。

父亲在我上班后的一个月后,逝世了。

其实现在回想父亲的点点滴滴,才惊觉原来父亲的种种事件间接的影响到我成长后的人生观:

因为他的酗酒,所以我不喝酒;
因为他不负责任的感情观,所以我珍惜身旁的人;
因为他理财的不当,所以我较为“吝啬”;

爸,我一切无恙。 事业、家庭都还可以,比上不足,比下有余。

虽然没能常去拜祭你,你却一直都在我心里。。。永远!

今年是我父亲逝世十周年,谨以此纪念他。

树欲静而风不止
子欲养而亲不在

=======

后记 : 有一晚,独自一人在家观赏 “陈弈迅演唱会” DVD,当他唱到 “单车” 那句 “如孩儿能伏于爸爸的肩膊 谁要下车”,突然悲从中来,鼻子一酸。。。


单车 – 陈弈迅

不要不要假设我知道
一切一切也都是为我而做
为何这么伟大 如常感觉不到
不说一句的爱有多好?
只有一次记得实在接触到
骑着单车的我两 怀紧贴背的拥抱

* 难离难舍想抱紧些
茫茫人生好象荒野
如孩儿能伏于爸爸的肩膊 谁要下车
难离难舍总有一些
常情如此不可推卸
任世间再冷酷 想起着单车还有幸福可借
(任世间怨我坏 可知我只得你承受我的狂或野)

经已给我怎会看不到
虽说演你角色实在有难度
从来虚位以待 何不给个拥抱?
想我怎去相信这一套
多疼惜我却不便让我知道
怀念单车给你我 唯一有过的拥抱

难离难舍想抱紧些
茫茫人生好象荒野
如孩儿能伏于爸爸的肩膊
哪怕遥遥长路多斜
你爱我爱多些 让我他朝走得坚壮些
你介意来爱护 又靠谁施舍

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22 Comments:

  • At Wednesday, June 14, 2006 5:13:00 PM , Blogger Sunflower said...

    Such an coincident. both of us bolg about the same thing about the same time. But the feeling is so diff.....

     
  • At Wednesday, June 14, 2006 11:18:00 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    sunflower, i wonder if the feeling is diff becos:
    1. old beng "成长于一个典型的华人家境,敬老尊贤、长幼有别"...
    2. old beng chose to emphasise more on the good aspect?

    I mean: pt 1 means the mentality of "no matter wat, he is my father, he gave me life, and for that alone, I should be filial to him (simply because he is my dad), regardless of anything else he did or did not do" and hence leading to pt 2.

    I think a more westernised upbringing will lead to the mentality of "parents give birth to children is for their own enjoyment, no obligation for children to be filial to parents on this count alone. Filial respect has to come *after* parents show good 'performance'".

    Anyway, just my thought. No offence. All the best to you and your dad.


    Beng,this is very true:
    树欲静而风不止
    子欲养而亲不在

    It is the nature of humans to cherish things that are gone. That's why in Buddhism, they say it is impt to 惜緣 since it is the nature of things to be impermanent...

     
  • At Wednesday, June 14, 2006 11:19:00 PM , Blogger platformshoes said...

    old beng, your essay about ur relationship with ur father is very touching... bitter sweet memories isn't it???

     
  • At Thursday, June 15, 2006 10:22:00 AM , Blogger lau hero said...

    老明, 不要难过, keep him in your heart, 你老爸明白的 and please 有空就上上香拜祭拜祭他,敬一个孝道吧,不要等到清明才去哦,这也是一个拜访的道理,哦给。

     
  • At Thursday, June 15, 2006 3:34:00 PM , Blogger Sunflower said...

    Anonymous - The feeling here is what uncle beng feel about his dad and what I am feeling for my dad.

    Serioulsy, I don't think Filial respect has to come *after* parents show good 'performance'.

    If you have read my posting and to have this tht, i cant blame you. Cos you are never me!

    There are a lot of type of parents in this world. And I have no shame to tell you, I will never never forgive a parent who has rape their own kid. Which I can't agree to your pt1.

     
  • At Thursday, June 15, 2006 4:05:00 PM , Blogger old beng said...

    Sunflower
    I don't know what to say and hope my post doesn't triggle more sad memories and sorrows to you.

    Let it go, for the better tomorrow, for you or for him. A "troubled" parent is nothing but a disgrace but life goes on.

     
  • At Thursday, June 15, 2006 4:26:00 PM , Blogger Sunflower said...

    aiyo uncle beng, I am ok! really ok!

    my last comment about raping, do not happen on me. (probably I have misled you all here, sorry) I am using that point to disagree his point 1.

    ^__^

     
  • At Friday, June 16, 2006 9:07:00 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    如果你在一个平凡的家庭长大,如果你的父母还健在,不管你有没有
    和他们同住——
    如果有一天,你发现妈妈的厨房不再像以前那么干净;
    如果有一天,你发现家中的碗筷好像没洗干净; .
    如果有一天,你发现母亲的锅碗不再雪亮;
    如果有一天,你发现父亲养的花草树木已渐荒芜;
    如果有一天,你发现家中的地板衣柜经常沾满灰尘;
    如果有一天,你发现母亲煮的莱太咸太难吃;
    如果有一天,你发现父母经常忘记关煤气;
    如果有一天,你发现老父老母的一些习惯不再是习惯,就像他们不再
    想天天洗澡;
    如果有一天,你发现父母不再爱吃青脆的蔬果;
    如果有一天,你发现父母爱吃煮得烂烂的菜;
    如果有一天,你发现父母喜欢吃稀饭;
    如果有一天,你发现他们过马路行动反应都慢了;
    如果有一天,你发觉他们不再爱出门……
    如果有那么一天,我要告诉你,你要警觉父母真的已经老了,身体已经退化到需要别人照料了。
    如果你不能照料,请你找人照料他们,并请你千万千万要常常探望,不要让他们觉得被遗弃了。
    每个人都会老,父母比我们先老,我们要用角色互换的心情去照料他们。从我们出生开始,喂奶换尿布,生病时不眠不休的照料,教我们基本的生活能力,供给我们读书、吃喝玩乐,关心和行动永远都不停歇。
    如果有一天,他们真的动不了了,角色互换不也是应该的吗?
    为人子女者切记,看父母就是看自己的未来,孝,更要及时。
    树欲静而风不止,子欲养而亲不在——你留意过自己的父母吗?

     
  • At Friday, June 16, 2006 11:32:00 AM , Blogger Sibeh Sian said...

    This is a very, very touching entry. Thanks, Old Beng.

    BTW you don't sound very beng in this entry lah, heh.

     
  • At Friday, June 16, 2006 2:57:00 PM , Blogger Sunflower said...

    I can only say, I believe in karma.

     
  • At Friday, June 16, 2006 11:34:00 PM , Blogger F¡яєвџяN said...

    nice entry...

     
  • At Saturday, June 17, 2006 8:12:00 AM , Blogger 欣架打鳥人 said...

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

     
  • At Saturday, June 17, 2006 8:14:00 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    I sidetrack and jie ti fa hui a bit.. keke

    One interesting/stupid question that lovers like to ask each other is: "if your father/mother and I are abt to drown, who will u save"? This is a no-brainer! You should of course save your parent because we owe a *DEBT* to our parents, for which we therefore have a duty and obligation to repay this debt, just like if people lend you money, you have the duty to return the money. Debt = give us life, diapering, feeding etc. We do not owe any debt to our spouse! It is "hu xiang li yong" (to put it very crudely and loosely). And we do not owe our children anything (they owe us instead).

    Anyway, this is both chinese and indian religious thinking, which is why in all Buddhist scriptures, for eg, it is always "honour your parents, honour Buddha" in that order. Confucian Ethics too - parents before emperor. Taoism and Hinduism no exception.

    In western religion, parents come later. "Love God, and then your parents" in that order. That's how it is always stated in the Bible. In politics (social policies), worse: "we treat your spouse, then your children as your depedents/beneficiaries (for they are your immediate familiy). Your parents are outsiders (for they are only part of your *extended* family)" But western society can afford to do that, because everybody has made the social contract to take care of old people via taxation/welfarism.

    It is a great danger to have a society where (1) education policy dictates that we should teach eastern language devoid of its culture/moral values (i.e. those ancient shuo1 jiao4 stories), and (2) society reject western welfarism. I ask you: in such a society, who take care of old people? Such a society and its people will have karma -- bad retribution, because, as someone said, earlier: "看父母 (and how other aged people are treated in society) 就是看自己的未来"

    Retribution can include people emigrating from such uncaring society. or people not reproducing enough (too costly! -- Financially straining to care for elderly parents and many children. And anyway, why reproduce if you know your kids wont take care of you when u old, and neither will society (no welfare, rem?). So might as well save money to make sure u can take care of yourself when old) etc etc.

     
  • At Saturday, June 17, 2006 2:20:00 PM , Blogger Xorpheus said...

    How's your leg, dude?

     
  • At Saturday, June 17, 2006 3:19:00 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Though Old Beng, Anonymous @ Wednesday, June 14, 2006 11:18:14 PM and Anonymous @ Saturday, June 17, 2006 8:14:11 AM are sharing the same thoughts of 树欲静而风不止,子欲养而亲不在 as me, hope no one is offended。 Everyone is entitled his/her views.

    Sunflower, you can actually get your lawyer to issue a claim letter to the involved party, and in turn the involved party will let his insurance company to settle with your lawyer. As for hit and run accidents, the government has a fund to compensate the victim (if I am not wrong). Wishing you all the best.

     
  • At Sunday, June 18, 2006 12:17:00 AM , Blogger old beng said...

    Mr Sian
    Kam siah for dropping by, me also got go your blog see see look look. Hmmm, the way you write your blog like very familiar leh :)

    Eh, for certain topics, me don't know how to write bengish so bo-pian, bear with me.

    Firnburn
    Thanks dude, though me have not seen you writing in Chinese, me know you know Chinese quite well.

    Xorpheus
    My leh better liao, though still a bit red and slight swelling and still limping a little, thanks.

     
  • At Sunday, June 18, 2006 6:12:00 PM , Blogger Sunflower said...

    Yes I agree everyone is entitled to his/her view. No offend. *_*

    Yes I engaged a lawyer liao.

    Ty

    Sorry uncle beng if I have messed up your posting. And how is your leg?

     
  • At Tuesday, June 20, 2006 5:01:00 PM , Blogger 子非魚 said...

    我記得一個powerpoint片段﹐大意如下﹕

    你小時﹐父母牽著你的小手扶你學走路﹔
    你餓時﹐他們小心翼翼的把食物吹涼了才喂你﹔
    你害怕時﹐他們總站在最前方保護你﹔
    他們幫你穿衣、幫你梳頭、綁鞋帶﹔

    可是﹐在他們年老時﹐
    有多少人會細心的扶這父母走路﹖
    有多少人會照顧父母的飲食妥不妥當﹖
    有多少人會想到把孤單的父母留在家時他們有多怕﹖
    有多少人會高高興興的為行動不方便的父母穿衣、梳頭、綁鞋帶﹖

    佛教說﹕父母就是家中的佛菩薩﹐如果無法對他們盡孝就甭談其它的了。

     
  • At Sunday, June 17, 2007 10:35:00 PM , Blogger 少俊 said...

    I keep repeating Dan Che this song today.. feel so touched..

    are you devoted buddhist? :)

     
  • At Monday, June 18, 2007 11:00:00 AM , Blogger Old Beng said...

    少俊
    Yeah, 单车 is indded a good song.

    No I am still trying to understand more about Buddism :)

     
  • At Monday, July 02, 2007 5:25:00 PM , Blogger David 富键 said...

    Old Beng, Thanks for your sharing, a very touching artical...

    No matter how, He's still a father. I believe u're now a father too, I believe also you're sure a good father...

    Take care & all the best to you :)

     
  • At Monday, July 02, 2007 5:54:00 PM , Blogger Old Beng said...

    Thanks and Best Wishes to you too.

     

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