lim peh ka li kong 令伯卡你讲

Skill and style of telling stories is as per what you see - Singlish plus Hokkien dialects. Kam siah for coming into my BLOG and read, thank you! All content is copywrite "Old Beng" unless otherwise noted.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Jokes For Adults

Before lim peh start to kong about the following jokes, can the minors (those under 21) skip this post cos it is not suitable for the young spirits, the pure hearts and the innocent minds. Go play somewhere else, be a good child, go.

Those act decent ones, 假清高 ones, 正人(伪)君子, 淑女,also can please leave my blog now, don´t want you all leave stupid irritating comments after reading my dirty jokes which you know jolly well YOU enjoyed and laughed out loudly.

Good! The rest of you are above 21 with an open mind? Here we go......

lim peh ka li kong

=====

"I´m baffled by your yellow penis," the doctor told Lau Hero. "Does anyone else in your family have this condition?"

Lau Hero shook his head.

"Do you handle chemicals at work?"

"Not at all." Lau Hero replied.

"Well, what do you after work?" the doctor asked.

"I watched Porn Movies every night in total naked eating crisps at the same time." Lau Hero answered.

=====

Lau Hero, when he was in Secondary 2, went home one day and told his mum, "Mum, mum! I had sex with my Geography Teacher today."

Mum was shock and told him to tell his father instead.

"Dad, Dad!" Lau Hero exclaimed, "Guess what, I had sex with my Geography Teacher."

To his mother´s disbelief, Lau Hero´s father said, "I´m proud of you son, I think now you are old enough to ride your brother´s bike which you have been wanting to."

Lau Hero´s face dropped in disappointment, "I can´t. My arse hurts!"

=====

Lau Hero walks into the doctor´s surgery looking sheepish. Old Beng who is the doctor asks him what the problem is and he explains that it´s a rather delicate matter to do with his back passage which he finds difficult to talk about.

"I´ve been in this business for 24 years," says Old Beng, "there´s not much I haven´t seen.
You´d save us both a lot of time if you just tell me what was wrong with you."

"I think I´d find it a lot easier if I just show you," Lau Hero says, and proceeds to to drop his trousers and bend over.

The sight of Lau Hero´s arsehole renders Old Beng speechless; its been torn to the size of a football and is badly bruised.

"OMG!" says Old Beng, "what the hell happened to you?"

"Well," Lau Hero says, "I was on Safari in Kenya and I was raped by a bull elephant."

Old Beng considers this and says, "Well sir, my knowledge of veterinary science may be limited, but I thought elephants´penises were long and thin."

"That´s right, doc," Lau Hero agrees, "but the stupid elephant fingered me first!"

=====

Lau Hero and a woman are sitting next to each other on an aeroplane when suddenly Lau Hero sneezes.

He takes out his handkerchief, opens his zipper and takes out his willy. After carefully wiping it, he puts it back and closes the zipper.

The woman is shocked but decides it´s best not to say anything.

Then there is a second sneeze and Lau Hero goes through the same routine.

Again, the woman tries to ignore what is going on. After the third sneeze, however, she can´t help but asks the hell he thinks he´s doing.

"Well," says Lau Hero, "everytime I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

"Oh, I´m sorry," says the woman. "How terrible for you. Are you taking anything for it?"

"Oh, yes," replies Lau Hero, "pepper."

=====

Lau Hero asks Old Beng, " What does a 75-year-old woman have between her knees that a 25-year-old doesn´t?"

Old Beng thinks and thinks and thinks and catches no ball.

Lau Hero replies, "Her nipples."

=====

Lau Hero went to the Money Changer to change some money in China Town in U.S.A. He got himself $500.

The following day, Lau Hero went again and he got $485 this time round.

Lau Hero was puzzled and he asked the Ang Mo sitting behind the counter the reason for it.

"Fluctuation." The Ang Mo Money Changer replied.

Lau Hero angrily walked out of the shop and at the doorway, turned around and shouted at the Ang Mo, "Oh yeah? Fxxk you, American!"

=====

Lau Hero and a woman walk into a very posh shop. "Show the lady your finest mink!" Lau Hero demands.

So the owner of the shop reaches for a full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the owner sidles up to Lau Hero and whispers, "Sir, that particular fur goes for $50,000."

"No problem," says Lau Hero, "I´ll write you a cheque.

"Very good, sir," says the owner, "You may pick the coat up on Monday, after the cheque clears." So Lau Hero and the lady leave.

On Monday, Lau Hero returns on his own. The Owner´s outraged, "How dare you show your face in here? There wasn´t a penny in your account."

"Sorry," grins Lau Hero, "but I had to come and thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life."

=====

Old Beng, No Eyes See and Lau Hero were comparing their drink from the night before.

Old Beng says, "I was so drunk I have no idea how I got home...All I know is that I woke up in my toilet in a pool of sweat."

"Oh yeah?" brags No Eyes See. "I was so wasted I took home a woman and was having sex ith her when my wife walked in."

"That´s nothing," says Lau Hero. "I was so pissed I was blowing chunks all night."

"Big deal," scoff Old Beng and No Eyes See.

Lau Hero says, "I don´t think you quite understanding - Chunks is the name of my dog."

=====

3 new prisoners, Old Beng, No Eyes See and Lau Hero, are sitting in their cell, contemplating the bleakness of their futures.

Old Beng takes out a mouth organ. "At least I can keep myself amused by playing a little music, it´ll help pass the time."

No Eyes See takes out a pack of cards. "We can while away the time playing poker."

Lau Hero takes out a box of tampons.

"What the hell are you going to do with these?" the other 2 ask.

Lau Hero grins and says, "It says on the box I can ride, swim, ski and play tennis with these."

=====

Lau Hero and No Eyes See are picked up by the police for smoking dope and appear in court before the judge, Old beng.

Old Beng tells them, "You 2 seem like nice men and I´d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I´ll see you back in court on Monday."

When the 2 guys return to court, Old Beng asks No Eyes See, "So, how did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, Your honour, I managed to persuade 17 people to give up drugs forever." answers No Eyes See.

"17 people? That´s wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a disgram, Your Honour. I drew 2 circles - a large and a small one - and explained to them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and that the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That´s admirable," says Old Beng, turning to Lau Hero. "And you, how did you do?"

"Well, Your Honour, I managed to persuade 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That´s amazing. How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used the same diagram, only I pointed to the small circle first and said, ´This is your arsehole before prison...´"

=====

Old Beng, No Eyes See and Lau Hero check into a hotel, but the clerk tells them that, because the lodge is fully booked, they´ll all have to share a bed.

However, as they´re all completely exhausted and miles from another hotel, they decided to take it anyway.

The next morning, No Eyes See, who slept on the left says, "Wow, I had the weirdest, most vivid dream. I dreamt I was having a wank!"

Old Beng on the right says, "You too?"

Lau Hero in the middle says, "You´re both disgusting. I had an ordinary dream. I dreamt I went skiing."

=====

lim peh kong wan liao

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15 Comments:

  • At Thursday, June 29, 2006 10:16:00 AM , Blogger lau hero said...

    commo man oldbeng, your trying to still my ricebowl here, worry I got too hot and u cannot use lauhero as your leading star anymore, commo u can recruit more over here, give other a chance, I'm hot now n pretty buzy, alot of contract waiting leh. Why u put yourself as a supporting role.

     
  • At Thursday, June 29, 2006 11:35:00 AM , Blogger dandan...™ said...

    Lolz..if u notice, old beng himself is alway ass the character of doctor, lawyer la, lau hero u, is alway the "ku-ku" one..
    hahhaa..

     
  • At Thursday, June 29, 2006 11:47:00 AM , Blogger old beng said...

    Lau Hero
    You are always the main leading actor, no one, I repeat, no one can outshine you but since you start to show your displease view, I shan´t be using your name or any other´s name anymore.

    Thanks for your kind appearance in all my nonsense jokes ;)

    Dandan
    Human nature brings me in doing so, since our Lau Hero says he is too hot now, you want to take a role in my future jokes, taht is if you dare :p

     
  • At Thursday, June 29, 2006 12:50:00 PM , Blogger noeyesee said...

    wahahahahaha

    lau hero gets it again, this time more spicy sia

     
  • At Thursday, June 29, 2006 2:26:00 PM , Blogger ~ mama dewi ~ said...

    lolz..tts the most creative jokes i've ever read..u always make my day!

     
  • At Thursday, June 29, 2006 2:48:00 PM , Blogger old beng said...

    Mama Dewi
    Eh... me only cut and paste with certain modifications from some other sources, not created by me but glad that you enjoy them :)

     
  • At Thursday, June 29, 2006 2:59:00 PM , Blogger Shaikha said...

    wah... lucky I am above 21 arr.. if not kenot read this blog lah....

    Noti, noti....

    But the jokes abt that 75 yr & 25 yr old woman arr... me like Old Beng lah... oso catch no ball... Wat arr ?

     
  • At Thursday, June 29, 2006 6:16:00 PM , Blogger lau hero said...

    Hey, not that I'm displease, if you think that way, I can't stop you, my attention of greatness came from you, since you can bring me to that level of 'ang pai' I just think maybe others is looking red in their eye, that why ask you to recruit more star for your usage, you don't employ me who else will, right. just saying you steal my ricebowl only, you the buay song, you only sit behind the screen, why walk to the front leh, you already bo been ki lang liao, you appear for what.

     
  • At Thursday, June 29, 2006 7:02:00 PM , Blogger old beng said...

    Lau Hero
    Ok la, next time I just small role only, let you and No Eye partner.

    Eh... can you answer Shaikha´s doubt? :p

     
  • At Thursday, June 29, 2006 10:51:00 PM , Blogger F¡яєвџяN said...

    WAH LAN EH!!!!!

     
  • At Friday, June 30, 2006 9:28:00 AM , Blogger lau hero said...

    haa....Shaikha's doubt, you the writer I only follow script, I answer?????

    I try la, 25 is young n firm on the spot light whereas 75 on the kneel cap is b'cos it drop, well shld be dry up left only the skin so it drop, am I right or if anyone got better answer, please.

    wa koaz, author dun know then how can a actor follow script know the answer, wa piangz a.

     
  • At Friday, June 30, 2006 10:34:00 AM , Blogger 一隻熊 said...

    狗雄 ~ 笑話篇裡的最佳爛豬腳﹗

     
  • At Friday, June 30, 2006 10:54:00 AM , Blogger old beng said...

    Lau Hero
    Thanks for the clarification, well done. No one can go against the Centre of Gravity unless plastic surgery.

    一只熊
    怎么妳每次都写错字?主角不是猪脚。
    :))))))

     
  • At Friday, June 30, 2006 11:20:00 AM , Blogger 一隻熊 said...

    哪有錯﹖﹗素豬腳不素主角﹗

    如果有錯,就素狗雄的錯﹗

     
  • At Friday, June 30, 2006 6:44:00 PM , Blogger lau hero said...

    什么角都好啦,不要转牛角尖就好,还转。

     

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