Old Couples

lim peh ka li kong

Heard of these 2 jokes on Old Couples. Just jokes only la, don´t get too offensive.

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Old Time Sake

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago, that wasn't an ELECTRIC FENCE!!"

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The Bell

Due to old age, Charlie and his wife have copulation once a week and to the rhythm of the bell of the Big Clock beside their house.

Every Saturday night at ten pm sharp, they will copulate according to the ringing of the bell, Ding... Dong... Ding... Dong... Ding... Dong... in out in out in out in a slow motion together with the soundings of the bell.

One night, while they were in the midst of the slow Ding Dong-ing, a Fire-engine sped past with the siren shrieking loudly and in tremendous speed of DingDongDingDongDingDongDingDong..... and poor Charlie almost broke his back trying to catch up with the fast Ding Dong...

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lim peh kong wan liao

My Interesting Friend Ipromise....

lim peh ka li kong

Me got to know an interesting person by the nick of Ipromisethiswonthurt via YMB. He is a very interesting man, witty and his sense of humour really no horse run.

As a matter of fact, he was featured in some of my previous posts:

Click here, here and here if you are interested to read more about him.

Me received an email from him recently and he wrote this:

You are also one if you use straws.

lim peh kong wan liao

Cartoons 4

lim peh ka li kong

Bungee Jump??? Think again!!!

lim peh kong wan liao

Just Some Laughs

lim peh ka li kong

I am sure someday we may also go through that phase so enjoy now and have some laughs.

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Hard of Hearing
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

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Body Ache and Loss of Motor skills
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really !? Like a newborn baby !?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants".

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Forgetful
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly".

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said,"What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

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Husband & Wife being forgetful
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down ?" she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake !"

Then he toddles to the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast?"

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Heart Problem
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical check-up. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said,'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

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lim peh kong wan liao

* Not the creation of Old Beng, just an email me received *

Last Day Of Work

lim peh ka li kong

Kena this type of workers, the Management sure @#$%&@.

The worker disclosing the Safe's combination numbers.

Poor drivers kena such incident

Sven Dorfman must be the one who fired this chap

Power sia

Had encountered similar situation too (same kind of attitude from ex-worker) but heng ah, everything was resolved liao.

lim peh kong wan liao

5 Shocking Facts Of The World

lim peh ka li kong

Me received the following email from a friend and like to share share with you.

5 Shocking Facts of d World..............

Fact 1: You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue
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Fact 2: After reading the first fact, most fools people try it.
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Fact 3: Of course Fact 1 is false la. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha..................

Fact 4: Now you are laughing !!!

Fact 5: You want to fool your friends also... so you will forward them an email soon

or better still, ask them to read my blog la

lim peh kong wan liao

* What?!?! You did not laugh even a little bit? Ok lor, lim peh lame lor.

10 Things A Man Shouldn´t Say During his First Date

lim peh ka li kong

If you are having your first date with a girl, please keep in mind not to utter the followings:

1) You look like my mum.

2) I just love kids and I will have at least 10 children when I got married.

3) You really remind me of my ex.

4) Do you have some extra money to lend me.

5) I love Power-Puff girls.

6) Keep praising your sex power and say things like "I am very strong in bed, you know?" and give her the 色眯眯 wolfy-look.

7) Bad-mouthed practically everybody you know; from your boss to your office cleaner; From your neighbour to the uncle selling kopi in the coffee shop; From your siblings to your uncles/aunties;

8) Tell her you will be the next Singapore Idol and start to sing loudly despite you are in a crowded restaurant.

9) Tell her you believe in showing your true-self and start to dig your nose and fart loudly during the date.

10) After every few seconds, look at her and ask,"Don´t you think I am handsome?"

lim peh kong wan liao

Be Faithful

lim peh ka li kong

Never agitate a woman and stay faithful for the rest of your life.

Scared bo?!?!?!

lim peh kong wan liao

Glossary of Management Terms

lim peh ka li kong

Guess most of us came across the following Management terms but let me share with you the true meanings of the terms in layman explanation:

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Ambitious : Ruthless

Analytical Projection : Guess

Deficiency Analysis : Search for scapegoat

Deficit : Staggering loss

Delayed : Forgotten

Delegate : Pass the buck

Environmental Pollution : Other people´s waste

Urgency : Panic

Extreme Urgency : Blind panic

Forecast : Guess

Frank Discussion : Bloody argument

Industrial By-product : Waste

Long-Range Forecast : Wild guess

Pending : Haven´t figured it out yet

Profit Before Tax : Loss

Scheduled : Hoped for

Shrewd : Devious

Strategy : Low cunning

Supplementary Statistical Information : Padding

Terminal Payment : Golden handshake

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Understand better? Good!

lim peh kong wan liao

RA Jokes On Lau Hero Once Again

lim peh ka li kong

Heard of the following jokes, will like to share with you.

x x x x x

Lau Hero´s wife stands looking at her naked body in the mirror. Unhappy with what she see, she turns to her husband Lau Hero and says, "I´m fat and ugly and my breasts are saggy. Pay me a compliment."

Lau Hero thinks for a while, before replying, "Your eyesight is bloody brilliant."

x x x x x

One day, Lau Hero comes upon a big, long ladder stretching into the clouds. Curious, he starts climbing it and enters into the clouds. He sees a large, homely woman lying on the cloud. She says, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"

Lau Hero figures success has to be better than this, so he keeps climbing. He comes upon another level of clouds, and finds a lithe, sexy, super hottie lying seductively on the cloud. "Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she whispers. Lau Hero can´t believe his luck, but his greed gets the better of him. He climbs even higher, expecting Venus or better!

Suddenly the ladder ends and a trapdoor closes behind him. He looks up to see a hairy 180kg, 1.95m smelly biker bloke with tattoo! The biker walks towards him menacingly. Lau Hero starts to stammer, "Who are you?"

The biker answers, "I´m Cess."

x x x x x

Mr and Mrs Lau Hero come across a painting of three black men on a bench and are confused as to why the middle one has a white penis. They stand staring at it until the museum curator comes up to explain.

"Myself and my fellow critics believe this painting represents the oppression of African American males in a predominantly Caucasian society," he reveals.

Mr and Mrs Lau Hero are still perplexed, however, so are delighted when the Welsh artist offers to explain his vision.

"Does it really represent the oppression of African American males in a predominantly Caucasian society?" Lau Hero asks.

"No," replies the painter. "There aren´t even any African American males in that painting. They´re three Welsh coal miners, and the guy in the middle has just been home for lunch!"

x x x x x

Candy, Lau Hero´s daughter, misses her period for 2 months... Her worried mum makes her take a pregnancy test and it´s positive!

Cursing and crying, Mrs Lau Hero screams, "Who was the pig who did this?!"

Candy makes a call and 20 minutes later a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man, wearing a very expensive suit, steps out and enters the house. He greets the parents, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can´t marry her because of my personal family situation but I´ll take the responsibility. If a girl is born, I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a beach villa and 1 million dollars. If a boy is born, he will receive a couple of factories and 2 million. If it is twins, I´ll give 5 factories each and 5 million to each child. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, Lau Hero. who had remained silent, places his hand firmly on the man´s shoulder and tells him, "You can try again!"

x x x x x

Special appearances : Lau Hero & family.

Note : All jokes are not the creation of Old Beng, sources from emails, hear-say and magazines.

lim peh kong wan liao

Tok-Kong Translation

lim peh ka li kong

When lim peh received the following email, me can´t help laughing at the tok-kong translation.

lim peh share wan liao

T-shirts Daddy Bought

lim peh ka li kong

Received the following emails :)

Asking Daddy to buy shirts for your baby is a very bad idea, it is wiser to do it yourself. You don´t think so? Well.... take a look at these T-shirts Daddy bought.

So? Change your mind to buy T-shirts yourself?

lim peh kong wan liao

Cartoon 3

lim peh ka li kong

Received the following cheeky email from friend. Share share with you:

lim peh share wan liao

Jokes Jokes Jokes

lim peh ka li kong

These are some jokes which me like, share share with you:

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What would you call a woman who always knows where her husband is?
A widow.

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The boss demanded to know where he had been.
"I´ve been for a haircut."
"You can´t have your hair cut in office time!"
"Why not? It grows in office time."
"Not all of it," said the boss.
"So I didn´t get it all cut off," he replied.

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If your wife insists on learning to drive, don´t stand in her way.

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A neighbour is a person who listens to you attentively, through a wall.

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A bed is where one good turn can get all the blanket.

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The smart husband thinks twice before saying nothing.

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She stopped in front of the blind man and dropped all her small change into his cup with a clink.
"God bless you, lady," he said. "I knew you was kind hearted the moment I saw you turn the corner."

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"I have been asked to get married hundreds of times," she pouted.
"By whom?" he asked.
"My mum and dad," she said.

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"What is a monologue, Dad?"
"That´s a conversation with your mother, son."

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He used to be an all-round athlete.
Now he´s just all round.

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The boss told the applicant there was a vacancy for a responsible worker. "Are you responsible?" he asked.
"I´m the right bloke alright." said Fred. "Every job I´ve had, when anything happened, everybody said I was responsible!"

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An elderly spinster approached the pearly gates and knocked.
"Who is it?" asked St Peter.
"It is I," came the reply.
"Oh no," muttered St Peter. "Not another school teacher."

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"Congratulations, my boy," said the groom´s uncle. "I´m sure you will look back on today as the happiest day of your life."
"But I´m not getting married until tomorrow," protested the lad.
"I know," said the uncle.

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lim peh kong wan liao

* All jokes taken from the book "The Little Book Of Jokes" - Publisher : Robert Frederick Ltd *

Coincident

Hello, darling, I have to go. I think someone is listening our conversation.

Hmmm, wonder how lim peh will look with a 爆炸头?

Love is everywhere!


New specs!?!?!

Nice figure, lol....

ROAR!!!

lim peh ka li kong

Me received an email that day from 1 of my friends telling me that he saw a photo which resembled someone greatly.

When me open the attachment, me was like =_________="""

See for yourself la.

lim peh kong wan liao

PS: We have not collected the complete set of the Doraemon magnets from 7-Eleven store yet, will continue to update shortly. Anybody with extras can still leave a comment for exchange :)

10 Signs Of A Chio-Bu

lim peh ka li kong

Sometimes me walk walk see see, see so many pretty, swee chio-bu (girl girl) until my poor eyes so tired.

How can some girl girl be so pretty?

Lim peh present to you, "10 Signs Of A Chio-Bu"

1) No need cosmetics also very pretty liao.

2) Woke up face also makes you want to kiss her.

3) A plain T-shirt and a Bermuda is also "No Horse Run".

4) Normally can always get the first priority in long queues.

5) All heads turn to look at her. (Including females).

6) Always kena stopped in the street asking to join to work as Model/Actress/Singer.

7) Even her fart is fragrance to some.

8) Most of the time puts on a stern face and seldom smile to "push" away "Colour Wolves".

9) Always gets a large share of vegetables, fish, pork meat etc whenever she orders lunch.

10) No matter how she eats or what she eats, she is still very slim in figure. (Any how eat also won´t fat, lim peh don´t eat also fat.)

lim peh kong wan liao

P.S. If any of you out there knows any girl girl who fits into the above 10 pointers, please introduce hor.

Transportation And Logistics Experts

lim peh ka li kong

Me salute them!

Forklift!?!?! What forklift?!?!?! Who needs a forklift!?!?!?!?

A new helmet

It's a pity I have to paddle with my legs, if not, I will carry a few more bottles

A moving tree?

Irresponsible mummy endangering her children´s safety

小朋友可不要学, 叔叔有练过的噢.

Look at this man, lim peh is speechless

Like that still can balance???

Really No Eyes See!!!

lim peh kong wan liao