lim peh ka li kong 令伯卡你讲

Skill and style of telling stories is as per what you see - Singlish plus Hokkien dialects. Kam siah for coming into my BLOG and read, thank you! All content is copywrite "Old Beng" unless otherwise noted.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Incident - My Ghost Stories

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Friday, September 28, 2007

An Incident 7

lim peh ka li kong

My buddy told me a story his cousin told him last week, here it goes...


Phew! Finally I was back in Singapore after my 2 months long back-packed vacation in Europe. Nowhere is like home sweet home.

After paying the taxi driver and just by stepping out in front of my flats made me smile.

Looking at the old flat in the wee hours at 3:15 am gave me a different feeling towards our Singapore´s HDB flats.

Oh yes, let me introduce myself. I am 28 years old, male, single, part-time model and currently putting up with my mother in an old 4-room HDB flats. My 2 younger sisters used to stay with us but they moved out since they got married 2 years ago. My dad died last year and now it´s only my mum and I.

I am staying on the 14th storey and at every level, there are only 3 units (point-block flats) which make our flats really quiet.

While stepping into the void-deck, I noticed that there was a piece of half-torn red paper glued to the wall beside the lift.

For the benefit of non-Chinese, let me share with you the significance of red paper which is usually pasted onto the walls of the void deck. Residents usually glue red paper on the walls (normally cut into oblong shape) on the path from the funeral wake to the house unit when somebody in a family passes away.

Seeing the half-torn red paper, I felt cold suddenly cos I knew someone living in the same block had just passed away.

When the lift door opened, I stepped into it and just before the lift door closed, Mr Wong, my neighbour staying on the same floor stepped into the lift.

There are 3 units in each level of my flats and apart from Mr and Mrs Wong, both retirees, another unit on our floor is Aunty Sharon, a divorcee, and her only 8-year-old son, Timothy.

Although I was rather surprised to see Mr Wong at such late hours, I greeted him with a broad smile and he nodded and smiled back.

Mr Wong, unlike his wife, is a rather quiet person and we only exchange morning greetings and nodding of heads when we cross path with each other.

When the lift reached our floor, I noticed that there was also a piece of red paper glued on the wall beside the lift; That means somebody at our level had just passed away.

Before I could ask Mr Wong who had just died recently, he walked out of the lift and headed back straight to his unit. It´s alright, I could ask my mother tomorrow morning and while I was closing the door, I still saw Mr Wong standing in front of his door probably waiting for Mrs Wong to open the door for him......

x x x x x

Next morning, I woke up at 1 pm and mum left me a note saying that she would be going for gei-tai 歌台 after her work that night and would not be back early.

I was meeting my friends for dinner and to pass them some of the souvenirs I bought in Europe. After a sumptuous dinner, I went home early to rest at about 9:30 pm as I was still having the jet-lag.

When I was opening my door, Timothy opened his door and called me, "Uncle James, you are back."

"Hello, Timothy, have you eaten your dinner?"

"Yes I had dinner with mummy and she is washing the plates now."

"Oh yes, Timothy, give me one minute." I went into my bedroom and brought out the toy I bought for him when I was in Paris.

I passed the toy to Timothy and he smiled happily.

"Eh... Timothy, are you aware that someone passed away recently?"

"Yes, Mr Wong passed away last week and ambulance and policemen all came..."

WHAT!!! I couldn´t believe what I heard cos I just met Mr Wong the previous night taking the same lift.

"Uncle James, are you ok?" Timothy asked me softly.

"Ya, I am fine." I did not want to scare Timothy.

Just then, Aunty Sharon opened her door to call for her son.

"Bye, Uncle James and thanks for the toy." Timothy waved before going into his house.

"Are you ok, James? You look very pale." Aunty Sharon asked.

I told her my encounter with Mr Wong the night before and she too turned pale. I told her not to tell Timothy anything about my encounter.

"Of course I will not tell him. James, I think you better go to the temple and pray and get some flower water to bathe tomorrow."

I knew Aunty Sharon meant well but I am a Christian but I just nodded my head. "Please go home and keep Timothy company, Aunty Sharon."

"Yes, see you around, James."

Before Aunty Sharon went into her house, she looked at the door of Mr and Mrs Wong´s house.

Just as Aunty Sharon closed her door, the lift door opened and I saw Mrs Wong walking out of the lift slowly.

"Hello James, you are back. How´s your Europe trip?" Mrs Wong smiled at me.

"Hello Mrs Wong, my trip is fine. How are you? Please don´t feel so sad and you must be strong. Just give me a shout if you need anything at all."

"What do you mean, James?" Mrs Wong looked very puzzled.

Just as I was about to continue talking, Mrs Wong´s house door opened and Mr Wong walked out towards us.

My heart probably stopped beating for a while when I saw Mr Wong walking towards us and he was smiling at me.

"You... you..." I was so shock that I could not even speak properly.

"James, are you alright? You look very pale." Mrs Wong was very concern.

"Ghost!" I was shocked when I heard my voice coming out from my mouth as it was very weak.

"Ghost?" Mrs Wong turned around and as if she looked through Mr Wong and turned back and said, "James, where´s the ghost?"

I pointed my finger at Mr Wong who was standing behind her and managed to squeeze out the following few words, "Your husband... Mr Wong... is standing just... behind you..."

"Why are you so pale, James?" Mr Wong took a step nearer to me and tried to put his hand on my shoulder probably trying to hold on to me in case I fell.

"You are already a dead man!!" I pulled myself away from his hand.

"Who says I am a dead man?" Mr Wong sounded confused and puzzled over my statement.

"Timothy told me you died last week..." Then something struck my mind, that Timothy trying to be funny and played punk and lied to me. Children nowadays don´t know what to joke and what not to joke.

"Timothy told you? When did he tell you?" Mrs Wong asked.

"About 3 minutes ago, just before Aunty Sharon called him in..."

"Sharon called him in!?!?!" Mr Wong sounded even more afraid than I.

"Yeah, I was talking to Aunty Sharon right here where you stand and she went back home just before Mrs Wong came out from the lift. I must tell Aunty Sharon about what her son lied to me..."

"James, but that´s impossible cos both Sharon and Timothy died last week..."


lim peh kong wan liao
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Thursday, September 27, 2007


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Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Creative Bus-Ad

lim peh ka li kong

Received the following email from a friend and I think the bus-ads are really cute and creative.

Creative bo?

lim peh kong wan liao
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Monday, September 24, 2007


lim peh ka li kong

My friend Lau Hero got some jokes again:


Lau Hero went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, Lau Hero reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and Lau Hero explained: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"

Lau Hero replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DAMN JAR OPEN!"


Lau Hero goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello.

He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from. So Lau Hero says, "Do you know me? "

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery??? "

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."


Special appearances : Lau Hero & family.

Note : All jokes are not the creation of Old Beng, sources from emails and hear-say.

lim peh kong wan liao
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Thursday, September 20, 2007

狮城怪谈(二十一) 完结篇









x x x x x









正当我们两正你一句我一句的一唱一和之际,我们见到不远处正有一 “人影” 慢慢向我们移来。

我当时瞪大双眼望着那越来越近的 “人影”,我还记得当时我的手心一直出汗,心跳也加速。

只见那 “人影” 留着一头长发、脸色苍白、双眼无神(只瞪着前方,仿佛不知道阿成与我的存在)。身体却只有上半身,没有脚部,在空气中飘浮着。




当那 “人影” 在我们的面前经过时,我们吓得几乎连气也透不过来。

很奇怪的,那 “人影” 一声不吭地就这样慢慢在我们的面前飘过,连正眼也不曾看着我们。

当那 “人影” 在我们的面前经过时,我和阿成的紧张心情终于松懈了下来,不知觉中我们都大大地舒了一口气。

当时我们俩只觉得这 “人影” 也没什么了不起,连望都不敢望我们一眼。


我们一边走在 “人影” 的一旁,一边看着他,如此这般的跟了它走了几条街道。


阿成甚至于开口和它谈话:“喂,你好吗?” 阿成把手放在那 “人影” 的脸前摇动着。

那 “人影” 一声不响,继续慢慢地向前移动。


我和阿成开始你一句我一句的想和它交谈,但那 “人影” 根本当我们是不存在的。


“喂!你听到我们跟你讲话吗?” 阿成开始沉不住气,大声嚷道。

那 “人影” 还是没有反应。

“喂!你真的不出声?” 我也不甘示弱地对着它 “呐喊”。




为了显示我和阿成一样有水准,我也开始了我的 “三字经”。


“这鬼也没什么了不起,有什么好怕?” 阿成在旁说话。在他说完后甚至于向那鬼魂 “展示” 他的中指,几乎没动到那鬼魂的鼻子。

“嗱!!嗱!!嗱!!”阿成一边以中指 “敬” 它,一边 “嗱” 那鬼魂。


看到阿成以手语“问候”那鬼魂,我也不甘落后,“咔吐” 的一声,赠送了它我的一口浓痰。



x x x x x






刹那间,我明白了!一定是那鬼魂在向我们报复,阿成以中指 “问候” 它,我以浓痰招待它,一个疯了,一个半身不遂了。



x x x x x



+ + + + +


= = = = =









2007 后语

老明当年的笔名为 “洪城”。
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Monday, September 17, 2007








x x x x x





















x x x x x







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Thursday, September 13, 2007


lim peh ka li kong

Lim peh that day met up with my friend Ah Seng to have a brief la-kopi session cos the last time we met was like a year ago, click here, to see our last meeting.

We were talking when he told me he always tells girl girl he is a MBA.

This Ah Seng ah, married for more than 20 years liao still mouth flower flower 口花花, lim peh must tell you more about him. He earns his living by driving a but he is rather good looking, he looks a bit like the cross of the following 2 men.


Anyway, back to our talk-cock discussion session. He was telling me that he always tells girl girl, the young pretty chio types, that he is a MBA.

"Oei, Lau Seng, you don´t any how the innocent girl girl hor, if not lim peh go tell your wife that you sure or-bak-kark." Lim peh stared at him and gave him a stern warning.

"Alamak! Lau Beng, what innocent girl girl? Me no bluf them la although some really very hiong one you know, when they board my taxi they will talk and talk with me and before they reach their destinations, they will give me their handphone numbers and ask me to call them..." Ah Seng said.

"You kns la, why lim peh never got girl girl give me their numbers? lim peh tried giving them my handphone numbers they also dont want la, you? Some more hor, you don´t even have "O" level cert, what MBA? Bluf girl girl and still dare not admit, lim peh see you no up!"

"Ai-ya, the MBA I said is not the educational term la..." Ah Seng tried to explain to me.

"Hor!!!! You worse la, you think lim peh don´t know the other meaning of MBA, is it? Married But Available, tio bo?" lim peh must show him I also know the other meaning of MBA.

"No la, you see you la, always jump into conclusion, Lau Beng, kiang tio ho, mai keh kiang. My MBA means "Ma Boh Ai" meaning also don´t want la, ha ha ha." Ah Seng pointing his finger at me and laughing loudly.

This Ah Seng really kns, tricked lim peh and then mocked at me.

"You NBA!!!" lim peh shot him back.

"NBA??? Si mi lai eh?" Ah Seng looked confused and puzzled after lim peh scolded him NBA.

"Na-Beh-A!!!!" lim peh told him.

lim peh kong wan liao
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Monday, September 10, 2007

10 Things Every Kiasu Singaporean Does Naturally But Probably Will Never Admit

lim peh ka li kong

Just a word of clarification: this is just a joke, it is not the truth about Singaporeans' behaviour.

As a Singaporean, I do certain things but will normally keep mum BUT guess all of us know what we all do. (Certain points were inspired by an email me received from a friend).

10 things most of us do but will probably deny:

1. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you will buy 100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has moved out.

2. You hate to waste food and you have Tupperware in your fridge with three bites of rice or one leftover chicken wing.

3. You wipe your plate and utensils thoroughly before you eat every time you go to a restaurant.

4. You have a collection of miniature shampoo bottles, bedroom sandals, plastic combs, that you take every time you stay in a hotel.

5. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they'll ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.

6. Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay home when you get sick. They also tell you not to eat fried foods or baked goods because they're heaty BUT you believe that drinking Pepsi with salt added in it will bring down your fever.

7. You email your friends at work, even though you only sit 10 feet apart.

8. You starved yourself before going to all you can eat buffet.

9. When there is free sampling of food, you will dive in to taste all of them and you will also take for your spouse and children.

10. You bring stationeries back from the office and give them to your children to bring to school; If you have no children, then you put them at home for own use.


Me kena 8/10 =_="""

** What! You are a high class, highly educated, gracious, charming person and you have never and will never do any of the 10 things I listed above?

Hmmm, good for you but just wondering why you are here visiting my "lim peh ka li kong" if you are indeed what you think you are.

lim peh kong wan liao
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Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Riddle / IQ问题

lim peh ka li kong

Remembered this riddle lim peh heard many many many years ago.

What is the difference when you fall from the 2nd storey and from the 20th storey?

One will die and the other won´t : Not my kind of answer, too normal la.
From 2nd storey :
Bong! Arrgh!


From 20th storey :
Aaaaaarrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh....... Bong!!

lim peh kong wan liao


很久很久以前听过这么一个IQ问题 :

一个不会死,一个会死 :不是我的答案,太正规了。

碰! 啊!



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Monday, September 03, 2007

The Cookie Thief

lim peh ka li kong

I think many of you must have received and read this interesting poem long time ago. This is one of my favourites, just to share with those who have not read it before:

The Cookie Thiefby Valerie Cox

A woman was waiting at an airport one night,
With several long hours before her flight.
She hunted for a book in the airport shops.
Bought a bag of cookies and found a place to drop.

She was engrossed in her book but happened to see,
That the man sitting beside her, as bold as could be.
Grabbed a cookie or two from the bag in between,
Which she tried to ignore to avoid a scene.

So she munched the cookies and watched the clock,
As the gutsy cookie thief diminished her stock.
She was getting more irritated as the minutes ticked by,
Thinking, "If I wasn't so nice, I would blacken his eye."

With each cookie she took, he took one too,
When only one was left, she wondered what he would do.
With a smile on his face, and a nervous laugh,
He took the last cookie and broke it in half.

He offered her half, as he ate the other,
She snatched it from him and thought... oooh, brother.
This guy has some nerve and he's also rude,
Why he didn't even show any gratitude!

She had never known when she had been so galled,
And sighed with relief when her flight was called.
She gathered her belongings and headed to the gate,
Refusing to look back at the thieving ingrate.

She boarded the plane, and sank in her seat,
Then she sought her book, which was almost complete.
As she reached in her baggage, she gasped with surprise,
There was her bag of cookies, in front of her eyes.

If mine are here, she moaned in despair,
The others were his, and he tried to share.
Too late to apologize, she realized with grief,
That she was the rude one, the ingrate, the thief.


How many times in our lives,
have we absolutely known
that something was a certain way,
only to discover later that
what we believed to be true ... was not?


Source: Chicken Soup for the Soul, (c) 1996 by Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen

lim peh kong wan liao
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