lim peh ka li kong 令伯卡你讲

Skill and style of telling stories is as per what you see - Singlish plus Hokkien dialects. Kam siah for coming into my BLOG and read, thank you! All content is copywrite "Old Beng" unless otherwise noted.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

An Incident 3

I am very excited because May finally invited me to her house.

Hmmm, let me see, how long have I known May and fallen in love with her? I still remembered that night I met her on the bus which she boarded before me.

She was searching frantically for her EZ-Link Card in her bag with a long queue of passengers behind her. After not able to find her EZ-Link Card, she finally pulled out a $50 note and asked the bus driver for change.

"Ah Moi, take bus where got change one. Just put in la." The bus driver tried to be funny.

"Huh!?!? $50, I may as well take a cab and still got change leh." May told the bus driver off.

I took out my second EZ-Link card and passed it to May, "Miss, I have 2 cards, you may use mine."

That was how we started, thanks to that bus driver and of course my 2nd EZ-Link Card.

After 6 months (5 months 27 days to be precise), I am gonna meet her family at last. May is staying with her old grandmother (93 years old) and an older sister, June.

After meeting May at the bus-stop near her house after work, we walk up to the 2nd storey of her flat. When May opens the door with her key, I actually feel a little nervous.

Her grandmother is sitting on a rocking chair in the sitting hall, fanning herself with a fan, watching T.V.

"Ah Ma, I am back from work. How have you been today?" May speaks affectionately to her grandmother.

Grandmother looks at May with a wide smile showing only 2 remaining teeth and says, "I am fine today, just passing time."

"Ah Ma, this is my friend, Tom." says May pointing at me.

"Ah Ma, how are you?" I try to talk to May´s grandmother.

May´s grandmother just looks at me without saying anything. May turns around and leads me to sit on the sofa opposite her grandmother. "Please take a seat, let me cook dinner while you talk to my Ah Ma." and she goes into the kitchen to prepare dinner.

"Ah Ma, today weather very hot hor, ha ha ha." I suddenly don´t know what to say.

"......" Ah Ma just stares at the T.V. set without even responding to me.

"Ah Ma, what programme are you watching huh?" I try striking up a conversation again.

"......" Ah Ma no response again.

"......" I totally lost my speech.

Just then, someone opens the door and a young lady walks in. I know she is May´s sister, June, because they both have the same beautiful eyes. June walks up to her grandmother and touches Ah Ma´s face and asks, "Ah Ma, are you hungry? I will cook rice now."

I sit there looking at June with a smile and before I can introduce myself to her, Ah Ma starts to talk, "You don´t have to cook dinner tonight la, May is cooking now..."

"Ah Ma, you have to face the reality. I know you still can´t accept it but..."

"No la, June. I just talk to May..."

"An Ma, May is already dead."

"No la, you are wrong, I just talk to May and she is now cooking dinner for us in the kitchen..."

"Ah Ma! May already died a week ago. I know you are sad, so am I but we must move on." June hugs her grandmother and cries.

I am totally shock in hearing June´s words. I stand up and walk to the kitchen to look for May. On my way to the kitchen, I walk pass an altar table and there I see May´s photo on it.

Upon seeing it, I don´t believe my eyes. How can that be? I have been seeing May everyday after work for the past week.

I have just come up with May so how can she be dead? Unless... unless I am seeing ghost. I can feel cold sweat dripping down my back and the temperature around me suddenly drops...

While I am standing there looking at the photo, May, with tears flowing down her beautiful face, walks out from the kitchen towards me.

"May, your sis says you are already dead, this is a joke right?" I try not to believe what I see on the altar table.

"Tom, June is right, I am already dead but I just can’t leave my Ah Ma behind and she is still able to see me."

"But... but... I can see you too."

From behind my back, Ah Ma starts to talk, "June, you see May is standing right there."

June looks at our direction and says, "Ah Ma, you are imagining things, nobody is there. May is not there."

Now I believe what June says because she cannot see May at all, unlike Ah Ma... WAIT!!!!

JUNE CANNOT SEE ME TOO!!!!

May holds my hand and says, "Tom, you and I are both dead. We died last week in that fatal accident and today is our 7th day..."

Labels:

Related Posts with Thumbnails

Sunday, December 24, 2006

欠扁问答题

收到一则伊妹儿, :)

什么动物是最好色的?为什么?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
是无尾熊。因为无尾熊整天抱着树干。

请把 "西瓜、班长和晚上" 的英文读出。
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
我的美人摸你的奶 (Watermelon, monitor, night)

哪个皇帝是瞎的?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
康熙 (Can’t see)

一个洋人夹在两个印度人的中间,你叫他什么?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
OREA OREO 饼干

大白和小白是兄弟。小白长得象大白,猜四个字。
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
真相大白 (真象大白)

小明喝牛奶长大,大明喝什么长大?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
酒因为 “久(酒)仰大名”

咸蛋、茶蛋跟臭鸡蛋一起考试,其中一人作弊,是谁?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
咸蛋,因为咸蛋超人 (咸蛋抄人)

哪个国家最冷?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
泰国 Thailand (太冷)

年青人和老太婆发生一夜情后,年青人死了,为什么?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
因为他喝了过期的奶

七个男人看三级片(猜一饮料)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
7-UP

阿包被谋杀了,警察火速破案,杀人者是谁?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
阿豆,因为豆沙(杀)包

熊猫的两个愿望?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
1. 能治好黑眼圈
2. 拍彩色照片

什么桶永远装不满?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
马桶

在什么情况下,2比5大、5比0大、0比2大?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
石头、剪刀、布

那个数字最懒惰?那个数字最勤劳?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
“一” 最懒惰、“二” 最勤劳,因为 “一不作、二不休”

第十一本书 (猜成语)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
不可思议
(book 十一)

Labels: , ,

Related Posts with Thumbnails

Thursday, December 21, 2006

招魂

(旧著)

人死后,不论是土葬或火葬,所残留下来的只是亲人惨痛的追忆。有许多人坚信人死后还剩有灵魂,也就是俗称的 “鬼”。鬼是 “生存” 在另一个我们肉眼见不到的空间 - - - 阴间,所谓阴阳两隔就是如此。

灵媒招魂这种仪式在目前是少之又少,不象在五、六十年代那么普遍。

招魂仪式开始时,灵媒(多数是老婆婆)首先点燃几只香,然后双眼闭上,口里念念有词,身体微微颤抖,据说是灵媒正亲自下阴间找寻所要问话的灵魂。

然后灵媒的嘴里便会说出一些姓名象 “亡公陈X X” 或 “亡婆李 X X” 以便让在场的人相认,有时会一连牵上几位错误的亡魂。

当灵媒说出一个正确的姓名时,便会有人在灵媒的背后拿出一支早已穿好黑线的针,扎在灵媒的发鬟上。据说黑线越长,被牵上来的亡魂便会逗留越久,说越多的话。

那亡魂能正确的说出生前所做的一些事。也能在现场指出他的儿女与妻子,最令人惊讶的是他甚至能说出不在场的亲人的名字。

之后便说他在阴间很冷,又饿,又给其他的鬼魂欺负,希望他的亲人能多烧一些纸钱、衣服和多祭拜他等等。

真实的招魂与电影电视上所见有所不同,电影电视略带夸张,灵媒的声音一直没变,也没要求多一些钱,仪式完毕后只须付灵媒五块钱。在当时五,六十年代,那已经是一笔不错的数目。

招魂的真实性有多少,其实是玄之又玄的,现在已很难再见到这类的仪式了,就把它当做一种人间传奇吧!


=====

2006 后语:

有些人特别喜欢去找灵媒把去世的亲戚的灵魂招上来慰问一番,我常想,这样一来,这些先人能安息吗?

曾看过一段文字:当在这个世界上再没有一个人思念着逝世的亲人后,他才完完全全的算逝世了。只要还有一人在思念着逝世的亲人,那他还是活着的,至少在亲人的心上。。。

Labels: ,

Related Posts with Thumbnails

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Quiz

lim peh ka li kong

Me heard of an interesting Quiz to share.

====

There are 3 lamps in the attic.

The 3 switches for the 3 lamps are located on ground floor.

All the switches, as well as the lamps, are in random position.

How can you determine the randomly positioned switches matching the lamps correctly?

You can switch on any number of the switches but you are only allowed to go up to the attic once before giving your answer.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Answer:

You switch on 1 switch for 5 minutes, then you switch it off and switch on another switch before going up to the attic.

The lamp which is lighted is connected to the switch which is switched on.

The lamp which is not lighted but feels warm is connected to the first switch which you switched on

The lamp which is cold is, of course, connected to the untouched switch.

lim peh kong wan liao

Labels:

Related Posts with Thumbnails

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Anniversary

To My Cha-Bo-Lang



Happy Anniversary


Thank You


Thank You For Everything



16 December, 2006

Labels: ,

Related Posts with Thumbnails

Thursday, December 14, 2006

男人与女人之间

收到一则 email,忍不住要与大家分享:

女人婚后希望有 “安定” 的生活
男人婚后希望有 “安静” 的生活

以前,“王子与公主” 的故事是童话
现在,“老夫与老妻” 的故事是神话

婚前的男女,“形影” 常相左右
婚后的男女,“意见” 常相左右

还是情人时,往往 “客气” 多
结为夫妻时,变成 “火气” 多

富人结婚,最爱 “门当户对”
穷人结婚,最怕 “门当户对”

婚前,男人经常找女人 “讨论”
婚后,男人只高速女人 “结论”

婚后的男人,只图 “耳根清静”
婚后的女人,只图 “不见为净”

婚前,男人把时间花在女人身上
婚后,女人把时间花在男人身上

没有情人的,很讨厌情人节
很多情人的,更讨厌情人节

Labels: ,

Related Posts with Thumbnails

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

以金钱换时间

(旧著)

人们常说:“时间就是金钱。”

错了,完全错了。

时间是时间、金钱是金钱;同样的,你有金钱也未必有时间。

当然,你可以以金钱去换取时间。

或许,你会说时间那能以金钱去换取,正所谓 “一寸光阴一寸金,寸金难买寸光阴”。

这句名语在以前是完全正确的,但是不是现在。现在这句名语只会发生在没钱人的身上,肯定不会发生在有钱人的身上。

打个比喻:假定你从甲地去乙地乘搭巴士需要花上一小时,但是如果从甲地乘搭徳士去乙地只需要二十分钟,那么你就会以用乘搭徳士的钱 “换” 了四十分钟。

当然,你必须先有钱才行,如果你很穷,没钱乘搭徳士,那么你就能说寸金难买寸光阴。根本没钱,那来的 “金”?!根本没金,那来的买!?

以前科学根本没现在这么昌明,就算有金也没有徳士让你换时间。所以以前根本无法推翻着名语。但是现在?哈,哈!“名语” 根本已站立不稳,只须用金钱轻轻一推,马上就会被推倒。

连时间都能被金钱收买到,还有什么是金钱不能克服的?

金钱就象抽烟一样。抽烟危害健康,但是是一种享受。金钱真是罪恶的东西,但是人人都喜欢。

呜呼哀哉!

善哉,善哉!

=====

2006 后语:

时间是最奇怪的东西:当你快乐时,它飞速掠过;当你悲伤时,它仿佛停顿在原地久久不动。。。

Labels:

Related Posts with Thumbnails

Monday, December 11, 2006

4 Eggs Jokes

lim peh ka li kong

Heard this joke and me will like to share share:

There were 4 eggs in a refrigerator.

Egg No (1) told Egg No (2) : "Ai-yer, you see the Egg No (4) there? He got hair all over him."

Egg No (2) then turned and told Egg No (3) : "You see you see, that Egg No (4) beside you, he got hair all over him leh, so ugly one"

Egg No (4) overheard what Egg No (2) said and turned around and said, "Oei, you all ka-na-sai la, me no Egg la, lim peh is a Kiwi Fruit."

lim peh kong wan liao

Labels:

Related Posts with Thumbnails

Friday, December 08, 2006

Gratitude

42 years ago, a woman probably went through great pain in delivering her child to this world.

Today, I thank my mum for giving birth to me then.

Thanks Mum.

Me, Sis and Mum (Photo taken in 2005)

Labels: , ,

Related Posts with Thumbnails

Thursday, December 07, 2006

狮城怪谈(十三)

(旧著)

=====

在冥冥的红尘间,一切凄迷鬼怪的玄事不断地上演著,令人感到疑惑、恐惧地说不出个所以然:可是,当你一天碰到有人被鬼缠身时,而变成另外一个人,你会有什么感觉?也许你不会再感到疑惑、抑或许你会被吓得脸青唇白、两脚发抖。。。

=====

鬼缠身

=====

阿弘是一位二十多岁的咖啡店助手,为人热心,唯一的缺点是爱说话,或许是因为与他的工作有关,他越来越爱说话,甚至于变得什么话也说,有时甚至于连不该说话的时候也乱说一通。

有一年七月间,在他身上发生了一件怪事,到现在每当回想起来,心里还是感到惊怕。。。

x x x x x

“阿弘,去对面街买一些冰块回来,今天冰橱坏了。”老板娘对着阿弘嚷道。

“知道了。我马上去,顶多一分钟。” 阿弘一边走一边答道。

骑上脚踏车,阿弘便“呼”的一声走了。

不一会儿,阿弘已购买了一些冰块回来。

只见他人还骑在脚踏车上,还没来得及下来便已开口说话:“刚才真危险!”

咖啡店里的小贩和伙记们都转过头来看着他。

阿弘看到这么多人看着他,更是得意,说道:“刚才我骑脚踏车正在冲过对面马路时,忽然一辆巴士以极快的速度向着我驶过来,差一点便把我给撞倒。”

卖面的阿珍姐紧张地问:“那有没有撞到你?”

“没有,幸好我反应敏捷,急忙向旁边一闪,躲过了。” 阿弘说到:“今天真是倒霉,不知碰到什么女鬼,害的我。。。”

这时,泡咖啡的老王马上大声喝住阿弘:“阿弘!别乱说话!”

众人都被老王突来的喊喝声吓了一跳。

“什么乱说话?看我今天这么倒霉,不是遇到女鬼又是什么?” 阿弘大声地说。

“别再说了,阿弘!”老王很严肃地对着阿弘说。

“是啦,不说就不说。我上去楼上冲凉,拜拜。” 阿弘说完挥挥手便上去了。

阿弘走后,老王就一直瞪着他离去的方向,双眼一眨也不眨。

阿珍姐推了推老王一下,问道:“王伯,你做什么?你没事吧?”

“啊!没什么。”老王说道。

原来老王天生具有一对阴阳眼,从小就常见到许许多多的鬼魂,到现在已见怪不怪了。

刚才当阿弘随口说不知碰到什么女鬼时,老王见到一个没有腿部的长发女鬼正慢慢地“飘”过咖啡店外。

当“她”听到阿弘说道遇到女鬼时,“她”忽然停下来看着阿弘。

在阿弘离去的时候,老王见到“她”也慢慢地跟着他离去。。。

x x x x x

一个小时后,阿弘还是没从楼上下来工作。

老板和老板娘都觉得很奇怪,老板娘对着老板说:“阿弘怎么冲一个凉冲那么久,难道他跑去睡觉、偷懒?”

“我怎么知道,我和妳在这儿工作,妳不知道我怎会知道呢?”老板说道。

“不行!我得上楼去看看,看他到底在做什么?”老板娘说完便上楼去。

当老板娘到达门口时,掏出锁匙打开门。

一踏进屋里,只见阿弘他那宽阔的背部对着她坐在沙发上,一声不响。

“喂,阿弘,怎么坐在那儿偷懒,不用做啊?”老板娘关门后问道。

“。。。” 阿弘象一座石象呆坐着,默不出声。

“喂!我在和你说话啊,你听到了吗?”老板娘对着阿弘嚷道。

阿弘慢慢地转过身来,只见他双眼一眨也不眨地瞪着老板娘。

“你。。。”老板娘刚想开口骂阿弘却被眼前的景物吓得出不了声。

只见阿弘整个人的肤色变得深黄色,双目茫然,根本没有焦点。

嘴巴微微张开着,唾液流涎至整个下巴,直吐着热气。

“阿弘,你。。。你做什么?”老板娘吓得连连后退。

“哈。。。哈。。。” 阿弘忽然狂笑起来。

可怕的是,出自他嘴里的却是女人的声音。

“臭婆娘!敢来多管闲事,滚!”出自阿弘嘴里那又高又尖的女人声使得老板娘毛骨悚然,飞快地跑下楼。

不一会儿,老板娘和其他咖啡店里的小贩与伙记们纷纷赶上来看个究竟。

“阿弘,你在搞什么鬼?”老板首先开口大声问道。

阿弘转过身来,直望着老板,动作妖艳非常,叫人看了直觉得眼前是一个女性。

只见他一手插腰,一手指着老板说:“你做什么这么大声对我说话?”说完还一直以手心拍打着心口。

“你到底是谁?”老王向前踏上一步问道。

“哟,你又做什么了,这么大声又这么凶!” 阿弘缩着头说道。

“你想怎样?”老王再踏前一步。

阿弘扭着身体,一小步一小步地走向前来说:“你想怎样?”说完更摸了老王的胡须一下。

老王吓得节节后退,差点撞到站在他背后的人。

“哈。。。哈。。。” 阿弘见到老王脸露出惊吓的表情,放声大笑起来。

笑着笑着,阿弘忽然慢慢地摇摆着身子,舞蹈起来。只见他慢慢地摇动着,慢慢地靠近墙边。

“我喜欢他,你们别想把他抢走,哈。。。”说完更举起双手刮自己的脸。

只见他一下又一下的打着,很快的嘴边已涌出血丝,他却还是不停懈下来。

血自他的唇边流下来,他却还在尖声笑着。

更恐怖的是他把头一下又一下的撞向墙壁。

“快合力阻止他。”老板说道。

虽然四五人合力捉住阿弘的手臂,却始终不及他的力量,都一一被他推开。

在推开他们之后,阿弘又再把头额撞向墙壁,直撞到“砰,砰”声,甚至于流血了还不停止。

老板娘和几名女人更是吓得大叫起来。

在众人的惊叫声中,阿弘慢慢地走向他们,直把他们吓得连连后退。

在众人不知所措之时,只见阿弘直挺挺的往前直跌。

“砰!”的一声,只见他脸朝着地直倒下去。

当各人都吓得呆立在原地时,阿弘又已站了起来。

只见血从他头额、嘴巴和鼻孔中流了出来,流到他胸前的衣襟上。

在众人的震惊中,阿弘转过身往厨房走去。

“快阻止他。”老王嚷道。

但已太迟了!在众人还没靠近他,阿弘已走近窗口,一手按着窗栏,攀了上去。

在众人离阿弘还有三尺的距离时,阿弘突然回过头向着他们发出一个令他们毕生难忘的笑容便纵身往下一跳。。。

阿弘在着地时,颈骨折断,当场死亡。

x x x x x

隔天报章刊出了这么一段新闻 -----

在 XX 路大牌 XX 有一年轻咖啡店助手昨日突然狂性大发,纵身跳楼自杀。。。

(故事十三完)

Labels: ,

Related Posts with Thumbnails

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

认真当黑

收到一则伊妹儿,与大家分享:

人们常说:「学习是痛苦的历程。」不过我不明白, 为什么受伤的总是我。我妈学英文的热情日益高漲, 因而我的苦难就日益加深。

老妈:「这个 "I don't know" 是什么意思?」

我说:「我不知道。」

老妈:「送你上大学读了几年, 你怎么什么都不知道?!」

我说:「不是! 就是 "我不知道" 嘛!」

老妈:「还嘴硬!」 说完老妈给了我一巴掌。

老妈:「那 "I know" 是什么意思你应该知道吧?!」

我说:「是 "我知道"。」

老妈:「知道就快说。」

我说:「就是 "我知道"。」

老妈:「你皮痒是不是?」

我说:「就是 "我知道" 呀!」

老妈:「知道你还不说! ?不懂不要裝懂!」 老妈又给了我一巴掌。

「再问你一个,」老妈:「你给我翻译一下, "I know but I don't want to tell you." 是什么意思?」

我:「………………」 打....

老妈:「"I'm very pissed, don't bother me."是什么意思啊?」

我说:「我很烦, 別烦我。」

老妈:「欠揍!跟你妈这么说话。」 于是, 我又挨了一巴掌。

老妈又问:「"I didn't hear it, can you repeat." 是什么意思呢?」

我说:「我没听清楚,再说一次。」

老妈又说了一遍:「I didn't hear it, can you repeat.」

我说:「我没听清楚, 再说一次。」 我:「噢~好痛!」

老妈再问:「"What did you say?"又是什么意思呢?」

我说:「你说什么?」

老妈作势要打我,「算了!问另外一句。」老妈:「"Look it up in the dictionary."是什么意思呢?」

我说:「查字典。」

老妈:「叫我查字典? 那我干嘛问你?!」 这次, 我挨了兩巴掌。

老妈又问:「"You'd better ask someone else." 怎么翻呢?」

我说:「你最好问別人。」

老妈:「你是我儿子, 我问別人干嘛?你又在皮痒了。」 老妈又给了我一巴掌。

老妈:「我再问你, "Use your brain, and then think over it ." 又是什么意思呢?」

我说:「动动你的脑子, 再仔細想想。」

老妈:「死囝仔, 还敢耍我?!」

我:「嗚~ 」

Labels: ,

Related Posts with Thumbnails

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Jokes On Lau Hero Again

lim peh ka li kong

My friend, Lau Hero, has been MIA in the blogger-world for a very long long time and me have been missing him especially his unique comments and blog entries.

Neh-mind, me shall post some of his jokes to share :-

=====

One evening, Lau Hero went to packet additional food to bring home for dinner whereby his wife and daughter were waiting for him.

He had bought a packet of "Deer meat".

When he reached home, his daughter Little Heroine greeted him at the door.

"Darling, I have packeted additional food for our dinner tonight and it is something you have not eaten before." Lau Hero told his Little Heroine. "You guess what Papa bought? I will give you a hint. It is something your mummy calls me." (Lau Hero´s wife always calls him "Dear...").

Little Heroine thought for a while and with a big smile on her face she said, "Wow, I have never tried "Tortoise meat" before."

Note: Lau Hero´s wife always addresses Lau Hero as 老乌龟 (Old Tortoise) behind his back...

=====

One day, during his returned flight from Hong Kong, Lau Hero wasn´t feeling well and was feeling nausea. The Air-Stewardess handed a "Vomitting Bag" to Lau Hero to throw up and in less than a minute, the bag was almost full.

"Please hang on and I will get you another "Vomitting Bag" and don´t vomit all over the place." The pretty Air-Stewardess told Lau Hero before leaving to get another "Vomitting Bag" for him.

When she came back, she saw the whole floor was covered with Vomits.

"Ai-yo! What happened, sir? I thought I told you to hang on while I get you a new bag?" The Air-Stewardess asked Lau Hero.

Lau Hero answered, " Nabehs, I saw that the bag was almost full so I drank some back to avoid overflow and then everybody around me started to throw up all over the place..."

Before Lau Hero finished talking, the Air-Stewardess throw up onto him...

=====

Old Beng saw Lau Hero lying by the roadside with his ear pressed to the ground.

"What´s going on, Lau Hero?" Old Beng asked.

"A bald man in Red T-shirt riding a Harley-Davidson with a long hair girl behind him is heading East." Lau Hero said.

"Wow!" Old Beng said, "I am impressed. How the hell do you know all these details by just listening to the ground."

"Ka-ni-nah la, they just ran over me..." Lau Hero answered.

=====

lim peh kong wan liao

Labels:

Related Posts with Thumbnails