lim peh ka li kong 令伯卡你讲

Skill and style of telling stories is as per what you see - Singlish plus Hokkien dialects. Kam siah for coming into my BLOG and read, thank you! All content is copywrite "Old Beng" unless otherwise noted.

Monday, March 31, 2008

Height Of ........

lim peh ka li kong

When lim peh was a young young cao ah beng, lim peh received this piece of funny note, share share (contents not so suitable for the minors, if you are a minor, please do not continue reading)

Height of ......

Height of Frustration
A boxer trying to scratch his balls

Height of Innocence
A teenager girl applying Clearsil to her nipples

Height of Patience
A naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree

Height of Unemployment
Conwebs in the hole of the prostitute

Height of Laziness
A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest

Height of Sophistication
Sucking nipples with a straw

Height of Disgust
While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes through the paper

Height of Noise
Two skeletons making love on a tin roof, using tin cans as condoms

Height of Technology
Condom with zip

Height of Laziness again
A man after shitting on the sea-side waiting for the tide to clean his ass

Height of Pain
Sliding down a rocky mountain using your balls as brakes

Height of Trouble
A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his ass itching

lim peh kong wan liao
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Friday, March 28, 2008

Creativity

lim peh ka li kong

This is how you can get hot water but please do not try it at home. The owner 食过夜粥、叔叔有练过的哦!

lim peh kong wan liao
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Monday, March 24, 2008

两则好笑的sms

令伯卡你讲

令伯又收到两则好笑的sms,与大家分享:

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那天我看见你在超市。

你悄悄的把手放在条码扫描器上,只见屏幕上显示:猪蹄8元。

你以为机器坏了,便把脸凑过去看,屏幕显示猪头肉5元!

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蚯蚓一家很无聊,小蚯蚓想了想,把自己切成两段,自己跟自己打羽毛球去了。

蚯蚓妈妈觉得这方法不错,把自己切成四段,自己跟自己打麻将去了。

过了一会,蚯蚓爸爸就把自己切成了肉碎。

蚯蚓妈妈哭着说:“你怎么那么傻,切得那么碎会死的。”

蚯蚓爸爸弱弱的说:“。。。突然想踢足球。。。”

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令伯讲完了
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Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Spider Fight

lim peh ka li kong

When I was a small boy I was a very happy kid.

During my childhood time, I did not have computer, no air-con, no colour-TV, no PSP or Wii but I think I have better childhood than the children now.

Being boys (my neighbours and I), we used to play and running wild.

I still remembered the wonderful games we played then: sliding down the slope of a hill with a carton box; flying kites; catching longkang fish; catching fighting spider; played "humtam bola"; etc.

Games that I am not able to play them anymore.

I received an email from a guy, Adrian from Malaysia:

" hi, i read ur blog about spiders in singapore.
do u still catch fighting spiders in singapore?
we still have it here in malaysia "
check out this site
http://forum.lowyat.net/topic/608348 "

In the site, I found this clip from YouTube.

Thanks Adrian for the sharing of such wonderful site.

Maybe, just maybe, one day lim peh will go out there and catch some fighting spiders and play with them again.

Have you ever played with fighting spider?

lim peh kong wan liao
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Friday, March 14, 2008

Some Jokes Taken From Simple Guy

lim peh ka li kong

Was reading this blog the other day and had a real good laugh reading his jokes, share some with you:

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FAX
Dad, I was away for a week.

Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms.

Why, Dad ? Tell me why!"

Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."

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SAME SERVICE
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking.

Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."

"Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"

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AN ACTOR'S LAST CHANCE
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

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PRESCRIPTION
A lady walks into the drug store and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

The pharmacist asks, "Madam, what do you want with arsenic?"

The lady says, "To kill my husband."

"I can't sell you any for that reason", says the pharmacist.

The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a Photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

He looks at the photo and says, "Oh...........I didn't know you had a prescription!"

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MEN & THEIR FAMILIES
An Englishman, American, and Arabian were in a bar talking about their families.

The Englishman said, "I have ten kids at home and if I had another one I would have a soccer team!"

"Well," said the American guy, "I have fifteen kids at home and if I had another one I would have a football team!"

"Well," said the Arabic guy, "I have seventeen wives at home and if I had another one I would have a golf course."

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小鸭小鸡
从前鸡和鸭本来是好朋友, 直到有一天~~~

小鸭从小鸡家乡哭着跑回来,

老鸭吃惊见了问:“为什么哭?到底发生什么事?”

小鸭哭诉说被鸡妈妈和全家乡的鸡追着打,老鸭又问为什么被打?

小鸭说:“我只是向他们开心的喊道别,那里知道鸡妈妈和全村的鸡很生气追着打我。”

老鸭问:“你是怎么道别的?”

小鸭说:“我只是开心呼喊着:小鸡Bye!老鸡Bye!全村鸡Bye!鸡Bye!全部鸡Bye!


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All jokes taken from Simple-Guy's blog.

lim peh kong wan liao
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Friday, March 07, 2008

与Don之约

令伯卡你讲

今天午餐时间,我约了一位我很熟悉(熟悉的是他的博文)但又从未见过面的博客见面。



就是她

的父亲 : Don Lim

与Don Lim 的瓜葛缘由始于这篇博文

由于令伯肚子饿,三步两步连跑带跳冲向约会地点,却比预约的时间早了五分钟。

反正等着也是等着,闲着也是闲着,令伯就在乌节路那人来人往,人潮川流不息,美女不停逛行的路旁蹲了下来,吃着“艺术”ice-cream。

很多美眉在经过老明的身边时,都看了老明一眼然后掩嘴而笑,只留下俺双眼很“不得空”的看来看去。(In case 看官们不明白,蹲是Bengism 不可缺少的条件之一)而一个老阿明蹲在乌节路更是个不可多得的奇观。

正当俺正看得津津有味,口水直流之际,忽然一双腿在老明面前伫立,挡住俺的视线。

抬头一望就见到Don Lim 那溢满笑容的脸。

“嗨,你好,我是Don,你一定是老明吧?” Don问道。

“是的,令伯就是老明。你怎么认得我呢?”我心里直想一定是我那玉树临风、英俊潇洒、风流倜傥、神勇威武、侠义非凡、义薄云天、古往今来、无与伦比、活泼可爱、待友热情、至高无上、华丽绚烂、谦虚好学、不耻下问、聪明伶俐、英勇无比的外表出卖了我。(咦?!怎么忽然这么多人开始呕吐?)

“哦,试问这又有谁人能象你蹲得这么稳、那么帅?” Don笑了笑说道。

之后,我们就到Wisma Atria 的Food Republic 叫鸡














饭吃。

吃着、聊着、笑着、时间一晃就过。

因为令伯必须回返公司吃蛇打拼,在短短的四十分钟与Don见面、吃饭、然后收下他送俺的CD,便各自离开了。

令伯必须继续工作,而 Don 却是与佳人有约,小两口优哉闲哉,逛着看着IT 展,真是羡慕死俺。

令伯讲完了

* 后记:感谢Don Lim 不幸劳累的从远处而来,把CD递交于我.
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Tuesday, March 04, 2008

欠扁问答题(六)

令伯卡你讲

这儿看到以下3题欠扁问答题,觉得好好笑:

丈夫有$1,太太有$1。猜一个本地的地铁站


















Commonwealth

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叉烧包和馒头一起去看一部悲剧。叉烧包哭得很惨,可是馒头却无动于衷。为什么?

















因为叉烧包有 filling (feeling).

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另一天,叉烧包和莲蓉包一起去看电影。这次,叉烧包又哭得很惨,可是莲蓉包却笑得很开心。为什么?
















因为叉烧包和莲蓉包有不一样的 fillings (feelings).

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** Source from 1~xyn's blog.
令伯讲完了
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