lim peh ka li kong 令伯卡你讲

Skill and style of telling stories is as per what you see - Singlish plus Hokkien dialects. Kam siah for coming into my BLOG and read, thank you! All content is copywrite "Old Beng" unless otherwise noted.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Old, Older, Oldest

lim peh ka li kong

What is old? 30? 40? 50? Neh, think "Old" is rather subjective but if you have encountered or done some of the followings, then you are OLD or Very OLD or Si Bei OLD:


You know you are OLD if you have :

1) Bought Chewing Gum in Provisional shops.

2) Listened to 四大天王 .


You know you are VERY OLD :

1) Buying Cassettes instead of CD.

2) Choosing the latest model of Pagers.

3) Playing "Game and Watch".

4) Listening to 刘文正 is an "IN" thing.

5) Buying bus ticket from a bus conductor.

6) Watch Musical shows at National Theatre.

7) Enjoyed a day in Amusement Park at Kallang (The old one which was Wonderland lookalike).

8) You go to Van Kleef Aquarium instead of Underwater World at Sentosa to see fish.

9) Watching Black and White Television programmes.

10) Playing fire crackers openingly.

11) Watched movies in the Drive-In Cinema at Jurong.

12) Had a wonderful time at Great World City 大世界 (Not the current one la, of course).

You know you are EXTREMELY OLD :

1) Eating Ice Kacang in Ball-shape using your hand.

2) Listening to 青山、葛兰。。。

So eh, if you have not done and don´t even have the slightlest idea of what craps me is talking, then congrats, you are not OLD. Go ask your parents about those things we did when we were not so OLD then.

lim peh kong wan liao

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Mathematics Expansion

lim peh ka li kong

Read this posting in Kurakat´s Blog.

Students nowadays really power leh, dare to submit this type of answer, me just can´t stop laughing when me saw his answer.

Think the teacher marking the paper aslo cannot tahan him with the remarks, "Very funny Peter".

You can read it here.
* Source from Kurakat's Blog *

// Quote //

Friday, July 21, 2006

Expansion of a Mathematical Expression

Now Boys and Girls, Do you expand a mathematical expression in this way? Do you? (P.S. see the proposed solution on the right)
posted by Kurakat at Friday, July 21, 2006

// Unquote //

lim peh kong wan liao

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Thursday, July 27, 2006

老与少

(旧著)

那天,路过公园见到一群男孩子正在那儿踢足球。见到他们个个正追逐着那粒足球,满身大汗却又踢得那么起劲。

或许是被他们的朝气所吸引着,还是从他们身上见到了以往我曾有过的影子,不经意的便往小径旁的石凳子坐。

看着那一群十四、五岁的的小男生个个活力十足,在太阳底下奔逐,不禁感觉到有些老了。然后,突然的,我发觉到不远处的另一个石凳上坐着一个老先生,只见他正眯着双眼,脸带着微笑,也正在观看着那群小男生。

他或许也正在 “想当年” 吧?!昨日少年已成今日老翁。

那老翁正全神贯注的看着那群小男生,不知我在看着他:只见他头顶头发稀少,整脸的皱纹,仿佛象是被利器深深划过,留下那无法复原的痕迹。

看着老翁的老态,再回头看那少年脸上所露出的自信,充满朝气的脸孔,我不敢相信老翁其实也曾年少过。

老翁似乎发觉到我正在瞪着他,便转过头来对我露出友善的笑容。只见那张眯着双眼的脸孔把皱纹显露得更清楚,一道叠着一道,似乎正在互相显映着,也似乎正在告诉我岁月无情。

那一刻,我似乎见到了我的过去和我的未来。往这边望去,见到一抹朝阳。转过头来却见到一脸的暮气。而我就处在两极之间,看着两边都有着我的影子。只不过一方已过去,而另一方却在不远处篾视着,似乎正在嘲笑我,提醒我,我总会和他一样,慢慢老去。

夕阳渐渐笼罩着大地,那群小男生个个踢着轻快步伐离去;老翁踩着蹒跚的脚步踽踽离去;而我却踏着一路的沉重心情慢慢归去。。。

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Tuesday, July 25, 2006

10 Signs Of Lao Hokkien 老福建

lim peh ka li kong

10 signs you know you are a typical, authentic Lao Hokkien 老福建.

1) The first greetings to anybody you meet at anytime is "Cha Pah Buay" 吃饱未?

2) Feel much more secure with actual cash (Dollar notes) in your wallet than having only the credit cards and ATM cards.

3) You will pick your teeth after every meal with a toothpick rather than brushing or flossing them.

4) Before you sit down, you will definitely beat the cushion of the chair a few times.

5) You don´t understand why the youngsters nowadays are willing to pay for a cup of Coffee many times the price whereby you can get it from the coffee shop?

6) You must comb your hair neat neat with the parting seen in a very straight line.

7) You will dap your finger with your saliva before turning the pages of the book, magazine or Newspaper.

8) You make sure that your trousers is high enough to cover your belly-button, if not you will get stomach-ache if wind blows at it.

9) Saucer is not for holding a cup of Kopi-O, it is for you to pour the Kopi-O into it and drink from it.

10) You always address yourself as "lim peh".

lim peh kong wan liao

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Monday, July 24, 2006

狮城怪谈(十)

(旧著)

====

俗语说 : “日有所思,夜有所梦。”

每个人一到晚上安睡时都会做梦,然而,梦往往使人感到迷惑,不管它是好是坏,有时它会如真实般出现在我们的日常生活中,令人感到猜疑,甚至于科学也无法做出任何解释到底梦是什么?它的可信性有多高呢?就让我一一揭开。。。

=====

都是南柯一梦

梦境(一)

洪志伟是我的三叔。

他的年纪大约三十出头,为人很沉静,属于沉默寡言的文静男士那一类。

近日,他经常重复地做了一个令他感到坐立不安的梦。。。

梦境开始时,三叔就跌坐在一个运转时速非常快的空间。此时,三叔简直无法控制着自己,也不知道自己身在何处,在四周一片模糊的情况下,三叔跟着莫明的时速继续前进,忽然,一团黑影迎面地向他袭击过来,使得他来不及作出任何反应。。。

就在这时三叔被惊醒。笼罩着他的就只有漆黑一片的睡房。

当日是6月28日星期四。

x x x x x

第二次的梦发生在7月3日星期二,与第一次做梦相隔了4天。

同样的梦,同样的情节,同样的在一团黑影扑向他时就被惊醒过来。

第三次的梦境比较清楚,虽然刚开始入梦时也是同样迷迷糊糊的。。。

但当他在迅速的前进时,他却隐隐中发现自己似乎坐在一辆汽车之中;正当他想看个究竟时,那团黑影又再次地迎面扑来。。。

他再次由梦中惊醒。当日是7月7日星期六,与前次相隔了3天。

x x x x x

隔天星期日。

三叔很幸运地,中了头奖。一夜之间,他变得很富有。星期日与星期一这两天,他都没有再做那个怪梦,却在隔了两天后的星期二再次做了那个梦。

虽然做梦的次数越来越多,相隔的时日也越来越短,可是,他却因为中了马票太兴奋而不再理会这个梦,更在他购买了一辆跑车后忘的一干二净。

洪志伟喜欢驶着他那令人羡慕的跑车到处去,更爱好踩尽油门在公路上快速的奔驰。

正当他快速的前进时,迎面而来的又是一团黑影,快的令他来不及做出任何反应。。。

洪志伟在满头冷汗中从梦中惊醒。

7月12日星期四。

x x x x x

第二天晚上十一点一刻。

洪志伟驾着他那跑车正朝着巴西班让的方向驶去。

洪志伟一边行驶一边想:“这条路人称99弯,果然不错,几乎每五十步便有一个弯。”

想着想着,洪志伟突然想起他那个怪梦,心里打了一个冷颤,不禁放慢速度。

虽然他只驾驶着速度每小时40公里,那又长又多弯的道路使他不禁把速度降至更慢。

过了一弯又一弯,洪志伟打醒十二分精神,小心翼翼地,好不容易才驶完那弯道。

由于一直在慢驶中,一走完那又曲又弯的道路,洪志伟大大地舒了一口气,再次踩尽油门。

不知是什么原因,洪志伟禁不住转过头去看。

“什么危险99弯?还不是如此而已。” 洪志伟心里暗暗冷笑着。

当他一回过头来,进入他眼帘忽然是一辆大卡车!

那辆大卡车就停在路边,而在卡车的后头置放着一大捆的铁枝。

洪志伟在发觉到那停在他车前的卡车时,距离只剩下5、6尺。

洪志伟顿时吓得心跳加速,自然的正常反应使得他猛踩下刹车器,但一切已太迟了。

他只见到那一大捆的铁枝刺破他车前的挡风玻璃,直向他刺来。

正如他梦中所见,一团黑影迎面而扑来。

那捆铁枝在刺破玻璃后,直刺入他胸膛,把他钉在座位上,他在即刻间死亡!

那日是7月13日星期五。

那天是他的生日,也是他的忌日!

冥冥中似乎已注定他逃不过着场劫难,那带有预兆的梦并没有帮他扭转他的劫难。。。

x x x x x

梦境(二)

我外公去世也已有二十多年了。 三十多年前他由中国来新加坡工作,跟着他来是我的外婆。当年他们二人来新加坡时,留着一个九岁的女儿在中国跟着叔叔同住。

自从他们二人来到新加坡后,就再也没有回去中国,二十多年前我外公逝世了。

我外公去世多年,一直都没什么事发生,直至有一年,我外公的女儿(也就是我的姨母)由中国来新加坡探望我们。

我姨母在新加坡逗留了两个多月在那期间,她住在我家。

每天傍晚,她总会为我外公上一枝香。

我姨母几乎每个晚上都说她梦到我外公。虽然她几乎每晚都梦到我外公,他却从不曾开口对她谈过话。

在梦中,我外公总是以一种疑惑的眼光望着我姨母,似乎不认识她。

当我姨母对我们说她每晚的梦境时,我们都认为是无稽之谈,都一笑置之。

直至有一晚,连我母亲也梦到我外公。

在梦中,我外公问我母亲,她(我姨母)到底是什么人?为什么会住在我们家这么久?

当我母亲在梦中告诉我外公说那是我姨母,他却说不认识她,而且根本没见过她。

当我母亲告诉我们她的梦时,我们都不明白为什么外公会连自己的女儿也不认得?

最后,我哥哥说出他心中的想法:“我想外公并不是不认识姨母,而是不认得她。”

“不认得?” 母亲不惑问道。

“对,想一想,当外公从中国来新加坡时,姨母当时只有九岁,现在姨母都已四十多岁,面貌当然不同,所以我说外公不认得姨母。”

我们大家听了哥哥的解释后,才恍然大悟,原来外公并不认得姨母。

当然这只是我们的看法,实际是否真是如此?我想没人会真正知道答案。不过还有一个梦却是无法以科学的角度来解释。

x x x x x

梦境(三)

有一晚外婆对着母亲和我说:“我昨晚做了一个很奇怪的梦,我梦到你外公。”

“怎样?有没有给妳四个字?” 我笑着说道。

“乱讲。” 外婆说道:“他望着我说,房子歪了一边,他住得很不舒服。”

“没什么的,只是一个梦而已罢了。” 母亲对着外婆说。

“可是他一直重复着说住得很辛苦,很不舒服。” 外婆锁着眉头说道。

“别可是了,外婆,没什么的,只是一个怪梦而已。” 我也说道。

“我明天想去光明山拜祭一下你外公,你有空吗?” 外婆问我。

“好吧,反正明天是星期日我不用上班,就载妳去吧。” 我对外婆说道。

隔天清早我载着外婆与母亲一同到光明山拜祭外公。

爬上一整排的梯阶,好不容易才找到我外公的骨灰坛。

一见到我外公的骨灰坛,我们三人当场吓了一跳。

只见外公的骨灰坛并不是正直的摆置在木桌坛上,而是歪倒在一旁。

外婆马上把外公的骨灰坛扶正,确保它不会再歪倒下来。

当晚,我以为外公会再报梦给我外婆,却没有。

也许这只是一个很偶然的巧合,但也可能是你我所不能理解的事情。。。

(故事十完)

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Friday, July 21, 2006

数字故事

那天,一位旧同事传了一个简讯给我,与大家分享:

=====

有个 7382 的人掉下 3 。他平日 7 人太甚,大家 1 为他 9413 会在 324

但他 47 未到,费了9625 之力,终于 83来。

这样的华文你看得懂吗?

=====

这篇文章真是 4896 (以福建话读)。

P/s: Don´t even think of buying the numbers hor, too many numbers liao la. If you insist in trying your luck, be my guest; If strike, buy me makan, if kena makan, don´t you come here kpkb.

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Thursday, July 20, 2006

Old Beng Jokes

lim peh ka li kong

Enough of the Lau Hero´s jokes, now it is the turn of me, my cha-bo-lang and my children´s jokes: (Guess Lau Hero sure cannot be kept quiet, sure will pop out once in a while)

=====

Old Beng and family were stuck on an island full of cannibals natives during a trip to Amizon Forest.

Then they saw 3 natives heading towards them and Old Beng stood tall and bellowed to his son Xiao Ma Ge 小马哥, "Bring me my red shirt."

Old Beng wore the red shirt that Xiao Ma Ge 小马哥 passed to him and they fought the 3 natives and finally the natives were roundly defeated.

Later that day, Xiao Ma Ge 小马哥, who was looking out for any invaders, screamed that 6 natives were heading their way. Old Beng, calm as ever, called for his red shirt and with his children fought off the natives.

Weary from the battle, the children were sitting around Old Beng and Xiao Ma Ge 小马哥 asked, "Pa, why do you call for your red shirt before battle?"

Old Beng explained, "If I am wounded, the red shirt won´t show the blood and you all will continue to fight unafraid." The children sat in silence, amazed at Daddy´s courage.

As dawn came the following morning, Xiao Ma Ge 小马哥 yelled that 50 natives were heading towards them. Old Beng fell silent and turned to Xiao Ma Ge 小马哥 for his usual command. Calm as ever, he bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants."

=====

Old Beng wasn´t the brightest person. One day when he was being particularly dimwitted, cha-bo-lang yelled out in frustration, "What´s your IQ anyway?"
Ever defiant, Old Beng shot back, "20/20!"

=====

My cha-bo-lang was having a bad morning. Our 3 youngest kids were wound up and driving her crazy. Counting to ten didn´t help, so to release the frustration, cha-bo-lang walked into our bedroom closet, shut the door and SCREAMED! It worked and she felt better.

Ready to face the rest of the day, cha-bo-lang opened the door and was greeted by 3 terrified faces.

"Mummy," said our five-year-old son, "I told you there was a monster in there!"

=====

Friends are always envious when they see me holding my cha-bo-lang´s hand whenever we walk together.

Lau Hero once asked me why me was so romantic and my reply to him, "I´ve been holding her hand when we go out for over 20 years. I have to. If I let go, she shops."

=====

"Little Rabbit 小白兔, do you know your numbers?" cha-bo-lang asks our little darling.

"Yes," she says, "Pa pa taught me."

"What comes after three?"

"Four," Little Rabbit 小白兔 answers.

"Great and tell me what number comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Excellent," cha-bo-lang says, "Pa pa did a good job. Now, what´s after ten?"

"Jack."

=====

"PA PA!!!!!!" Our Little Rabbit 小白兔 calling from the bathroom. "My toothbrush fell into the toilet!"

"Let´s get you a new one," I said, throwing it into the rubbish. "That´s full of bad germs now."

The next thing I knew she was handling me my toothbrush.

"Then we better throw this one too. I dropped it in the toilet last week."

=====

First to arrive at the restaurant, me got a great table by the front window. Minutes later me saw my cha-bo-lang, an attractive woman, hurrying by.

Me rapped on the glass.

She gave me a gorgeous amile and rushed inside.

A man at the next table leaned over, "Teach me how to do that."

=====

For years Old Beng denied he was an aggressive driver. That changed one day when he was out for a ride with his cha-bo-lang and their daughter Little Rabbit 小白兔.

Seeing a teaching opportunity, cha-bo-lang began quizzing Little Rabbit 小白兔 about traffic lights.

"What does a red light mean?" cha-bo-lang asked.

"Stop."

"How about green?"

"Go."

"And Amber?"

In her best deep low voice impression of Daddy, Little Rabbit 小白兔 bellowed, "Hang On!"

=====

Our Little Rabbit 小白兔 dreamed of having her own puppy and took every opportunity to try to convince us to buy her one.

Finally, me and cha-bo-lang agreed she could have a puppy if she improved her marks at school.

Several weeks later, Little Rabbit 小白兔 arrived home from school with her report card.

Over dinner that night, me asked her, "How did you do on your reports?"

After a short pause she replied sadly, "Bye bye doggie."

=====

Instead of going home from work on Payday night, Old Beng went to the local pub with Lau Hero and No Eyes See and was talked into going fishing for the whole weekend.

When he finally returned on Sunday night, having spent his month´s wages on bait and beer, cha-bo-lang was understandably irate. "How would you feel if you don´t see me for a few days?" cha-bo-lang screamed.

"That would suit me just fine," Old Beng responded.

Monday passed and Old Beng didn´t see cha-bo-lang.

Tuesday and Wednesday were the same but by Thursday the swelling had gone down enough for him to catch a glimpse of her from his left eye.

=====

Me was going shopping to buy a gift for my cha-bo-lang and asked for her sizes.

"If it is clothes, I wear Small," she said. "If it is diamonds, I wear Large."

=====

lim peh kong wan liao

** All jokes are not the creation of Old Beng, sources from emails, hear-say and magazines.

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Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Andy and Old Beng

lim peh ka li kong

Me think that it is very interesting in the bloggers´ world cos we actually get comments posted from people all over the world whom we may not have crossed our path if without the power of blogging.

There is this 1 particular reader of mine, who called himself Andy, never leaves comment in my blog but instead sent me emails on issues written by me which he had different views.

From his name, me take him as a guy but god knows if he really is a guy?

Recently, Andy sent me a long email re-capping my postings in my blog in the form of a survey and had asked me "politely" to give him a satisfactory reply.

Here it goes:

Andy : Old Beng, your entries lately, if compared to your earlier ones, are far less funny, what have you got to say?

Old Beng : Hmmm, is it? Nothing la, all that me can say is that even Comedians and Jokers have days when they are real down.

Andy : Looking at your earlier entries, your posts are very humourous, like "Old Beng went to Orchard Road", "Old Beng on MRT", "Old Beng and Dogs" just to name a few. Although what you wrote recently are also funny, they are of different levels.

Old Beng : Ah, now me understand. The earlier entries were written before my exposure and admitting that me was indeed not a real Old Beng with 12 children. Now that me have revealed my true identity, it is rather difficult for me to write something similar to those Old Beng´s tales.

Andy : So indeed, you run out of ideas?

Old Beng : Hmmm, maybe half right. Recently got a little bit more busy than usual thus affecting my writing thinking skills.

Andy : Is that also the reason why you have been using a lot of others´ articles, some lame jokes, emails and just linked from others´ blogs.

Old Beng : Me put up some jokes to share with readers and linked some good writing stuff from fellow bloggers because me believe in good things must share. On the other hand, sometimes when me is too busy to write, me will just put up something interesting.

Andy : Are you facing Writer´s block?

Old Beng : Ha ha, of course not la since me is no writer. Me only like to write write here and write write there and at the same time put some of my old Chinese articles and Ghost stories in my blog.

Andy : Many people seem to be rather puzzled that a self-proclaimed Ah Beng can go to so many expensive far away countries, what have you got to say?

Old Beng : Say what? Ah Beng cannot go tour is it? Me think only you puzzled only la.

Andy : I have been following your writing as far back as from the time you started writing in YMB, do you think you have changed a lot in your writing style since then?

Old Beng : Think me can put it this way: when me first wrote during the YMB time, there were lots of heated up issues written almost everyday and in order to cool down the situation, me started to create Old Beng and family and wrote some issues to make the YMB readers relax though me still got some negative feedbacks whereby people finger pointing at me for writing low class Singlish. After creating my own blog "lim peh ka li kong", it is more my very own playground and it is more to entertain myself than others and at times to record some of the happenings of my life with wife and friends. Change is definitely inevitable, just hope it is for the better.

Andy : So will you stop writing, if one fine day, you realise that the numbers of people reading your blog drop to maybe only 10 per day?

Old Beng : Huh, now got more than 10 meh? Actually, even if nobody reads my blog anymore, me will still write cos me know my cha-bo-lang will definitely read one. In fact, readers are like shoppers in the shopping mall : More people walk by than actually see the items and more people see the items than actually buying them. 逛的比看的多、看的比买的多.

Andy : Would you prefer your readers to leave their comments or it makes no difference to you?

Old Beng : Of course, me will very much like everyone who clicks / browses / reads my blog to leave a comment or two BUT just like me reading others´ blogs, me don´t always leave comments also. Since we cannot sell our blog like writing for papers and no money is made, comments will be the rewards all bloggers want to get, if not why create the comment field?

Andy : Whose blog do you read often? Rockson? Blinkymummy? Xiaxue?

Old Beng : Me do not really visit these "famous" blogs everyday but me have a rather wide scope for blogs reading. From local blogs to overseas blogs, from English to Chinese to Cantonese, from serious bloggers to cartoons blogs to jokers like me, me even read blogs written by very young people (as young as 15 years old students).

Andy : I realised that you are always trying very hard to be a "Good Man" image in your blog, are you living to it in real life?

Old Beng : HUH???? "Good Man" image? Don´t write vulgars or swears or curse does not classify me as a good man. Although it is my private playground, me must beware of youngsters who sometimes accidentally come into my blogs. Anyway, good or bad is very subjective one la.

Andy : If one day, you decide to stop your blog, will you announce it in your blog or just like some bloggers, just closed their blogs or just leave it hanging there?

Old Beng : Although me do not know everyone who reads my blog, think it is basic mannerism to announce in my blog should me choose to stop blogging one day. Why? Cos me treat my readers as friends and that is the least me can do should me really stop blogging.

Andy : Why do you always blanco your face in your photo?

Old Beng : Guess me is still not to comfortable to show my face.

Andy : Why? Too handsome or too ugly?

Old Beng : Nothing to do with look la dude, just don´t feel comfortable yet, who knows maybe in near future me will reveal my face in all my previous photos in my blog.

Andy : Why? As you know, Blinkymummy, Xiaxue, even some of your blogger friends like Xorpheus, Dandan, Elydia, also show their faces.

Old Beng : There are also many don´t show their faces. Rockson, Spinnee, Fireburn, Lau Hero, Sunflower, Sibeh Sian etc, so?

Andy : Isn´t it contradicting, on one hand, you are scared to show your face but on the other hand, you went out with the bloggers thus showing your face.

Old Beng : Face to face is better than only showing my face la and anyway, me enjoy meeting with blogger friends once in a while to meet up and chat.

Andy : Do you really think your blog is famous and full of humour?

Old Beng : No, don´t think my blog is famous at all, humour or not is very subjective but as me always say, this is my playground, you like to come, fine, if you think is lousy then please don´t bother to come in to read lor. BTW how come me sense the way you posing the questions to me in a rather KL hostile way? Why? Did me offend you?

Andy : Sorry if I sounded offensive but no, just trying to know you better. Anyway. thanks for your time.

Old Beng : No worries dude, glad that you are interested in me. (Not the brokeback interested la).

lim peh kong wan liao

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Monday, July 17, 2006

爱与不爱之间

(旧著)

凡是人都会有爱。

爱是一种无法理解的东西,它总会在你毫无防备中,自然而然的慢慢生长。

常常看到别人一对对,手挽着手在一起,男女双双脸露满足的笑容,你不会从心底里泛起一阵羡嫉吗?

或许你会问自己,为什么我样样都比他好,他却有女朋友,而自己却还是孤家寡人一个?

又或许你刚刚才和女朋友或男朋友分手了,见到别人一对对,可会有那么一点点心酸,为什么你有那样的结局?此情永不渝、此心永不变?怎么一转眼便消失得无影无踪?

又或者你们现在正在冷战中,你不理他,他也不打电话给你,就这样僵在那儿,谁也不想先让步。

可能你们正处于平平淡淡的恋爱中,丝毫没有任何兴奋的感觉。从前初认识的那种美好感觉已不存在,对于这一份感情该如何处理?拥有时觉得无味,丢弃又觉可惜,爱与不爱,取舍之间,该如何选择?

也许你有过一次创痛,至今还没复原,认为从今以后再也不会荡起涟漪,你们的分手也许是心平气和的,你和他都一样认为彼此是对方的最爱,又因为某种理由的因素,无法在一起。

然后,你在街上无意碰到了他,惊讶的发现在他的臂弯中正依偎着一名女子,你或许会迎向他同他说几句话,或许会悄悄避开,只因为不想让他发觉你还是独自一人。

你或许会想,不是说 “ 曾经沧海难为水 ” 吗?怎么只一转眼便有新欢?

世事就是如此这般,这世上还有永久的痴心人吗?“ 曾经沧海难为水 ” 只是一个神话罢了。所以当你正沐浴在爱河中,尽情享受,莫等事情变迁后才来后悔。

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Friday, July 14, 2006

狮城怪谈(九)

(旧著)

=====

每当学校假期来临时,总会有许多人到假日营去烧烤、度假。人人到了假日营都会松懈紧张的心情,尽情享受一番。就曾有这么一组朋友,在假日营度假时,遇到了以下怪事。。。

=====

打开‘鬼’厨房
假日营怪事


=====

“哇!这间 chalet 好大间。” 黄丽芬赞叹道。

“当然啦,要不然怎么能容纳我们这几十个人呢?” 大卫说道。

丽芬与大卫同是一间公司的职员。他们的老板陈经理在这个周末定租了三天两夜的假日营,让公司里的职员共聚一堂欢度周末。

出席这个欢度假日营的有:丽芬、大卫、陈经理与他的太太、老林、刘主任夫妇和他们的三个儿女;加上查理、东尼和一向以“大嘴巴”自称的 James。当然也少不了与东尼形影不离的容儿。

Chalet 楼下建有一间很大的客厅,客厅里有电视机以及桌椅。而在客厅旁有一道楼梯上二楼。在楼梯的另一旁是厨房,而厨房则紧锁住。

由于陈经理他们都自备食物,因此都没去想要打开厨房。

在楼下梯级旁设有一间厕所,因此他们都用那儿的水喉洗碟子。

顺着梯级上去就是三间睡房。

当一伙人把东西按着好后便下楼了。小孩子在草场上追逐玩耍,东尼和容儿手牵着手到海边浪漫,剩下的都坐在一旁闲聊。

刘主任的最小儿子小冬今年只有四岁半,正和他的哥哥姐姐玩得兴高采烈。

小冬忽然说:“我要尿尿,你们等等我。”

说完小冬便跑进 chalet 里。

当他从厕所里出来时,在门口处见到一名日本军人站在客厅里望着他。

只见那名日本军人正缓缓地向小冬招手,仿佛要小冬走过去。

“叔叔,你叫我啊?” 小冬头歪向一旁,望着那日本军人问道。

那日本军人点点头,更连连地向小冬招手。小冬慢慢地一步一步走向那日本军人。

此时,刘太太刚好走进来找小冬。“小冬冬,你要到那儿去?哥哥和姐姐正在等你,还不快出去玩?” 刘太太一把抱起小冬。

“我想去玩啊,但是刚才那位叔叔叫我啊。” 小冬转过头去看那位日本军人。“咦!叔叔呢?怎么不见了?”

“小孩子不可以说骗话,知道吗?” 刘太太捏了捏小冬的鼻子。

“我没有说谎,叔叔刚才还站在那儿嘛。” 小冬嘟起小嘴巴。

“是啦,去和哥哥姐姐玩吧!”

x x x x x

众人围在一起吃了一顿丰富的烧烤晚餐后,都坐在客厅里谈天。

忽然陈经理提道:“不如我们大伙儿来玩牌吧,反正大家都闲着。”

“好极了,就由我作庄吧!” 大嘴巴 James 说道。

“你们玩吧,我带孩子们先上去睡。” 刘太太说道。丽芬、容儿表示困倦,也跟上楼去。

半小时后,小孩子们都先后睡着了。

刘太太因为睡不着,便下楼看丈夫玩牌。

经过厨房时,她听到里头传来一阵又一阵的敲打声。

“噹!噹!噹!”

“什么声音?” 刘太太满脸疑惑。

“噹!噹!噹!。。。”

那一阵阵的敲打声还是连续着,象是有人正在用汤匙或是筷子之类的餐具敲打着碗碟和杯子。

刘太太走近厨房,见到锁头还是锁着。

“噹!噹!。。。” 那敲打声还是持续着。

“里头会是谁?” 刘太太不禁猜测着。“难道有匪徒躲在里头,还是有什么变态的人躲藏在里头,准备干一些什么事情?还是叫他们那些大男生来查巡一下吧。”

当刘太太走到客厅时,见到那一班男生正赌得兴高采烈,七嘴八舌地,好不热闹。

刘太太把刘先生拉到一旁,对他说了她所听到的敲打声。

“会不会是隔壁的人呢?何必大惊小怪?” 刘先生不以为然。

“但是我真听到敲打声,不信你去听听看。”

“老刘,我看你老婆是不想你玩牌吧,你就去听听吧。” 东尼作弄刘先生。

“我真的听到了,不信你跟我去听听。” 刘太太说完便拉着东尼去厨房。

“我们继续玩吧!” 陈经理说道。

不一会儿,东尼走回客厅。只见他一本正经说:“是有点不对路,我想我们应该去看一下,看看有什么事。”

众人见东尼说得那么严重,都不约而同地起身走向厨房。此时,刘太太也从楼上把容儿、丽芬和孩子们叫了下来。

大伙儿站在厨房外,听着 “噹!噹!噹!。。。” 大家你看看我,我看看你,谁也不知该怎么做。

就在这时候,大嘴巴 James 拿了一只汤匙在厨房外敲打着墙壁,一边放声骂道:“什么东西在里头?有胆就出来现身!干嘛躲在里头?不敢见人吗?”

James 越敲越起劲,越骂越大声:“怎样?不敢出声啦!真是岂有此理,呸!”

众人被 James 这突然的喊骂声吓了一跳,没人来得及阻止他。

“出来啊!怎么不敢啊?” James 继续敲打着汤匙,骂道:“就只会躲在里头,没用!”

忽然,厨房里的敲打声变得很疾急,越敲越大声。

James 一伙人被这突来的转变吓得出不了声,个个不知所措。

只听见那一阵阵的敲打声由小声转为大声,更从厨房一直蔓延到大厅四周围。

“噹!噹!噹!噹!。。。” 敲打声四周皆是,却不见任何物体。

一时间,众人吓得出不了声,个个双脚仿佛被钉在地上。

忽然,容儿大叫一声,奔出外面,大伙儿也都争先恐后地涌出外头,个个逃得无影无踪。

x x x x x

隔天,James 和东尼两人拿了一些香和纸钱到 chalet 烧,祈求原谅。

两人战战兢兢地走向厨房门外,东尼抖着手打开锁头。

当两人一打开厨房的门,走了进去,还没来得及做任何事,事态马上起了变化。

只见厨房门自动开关了起来,橱里的碗碟、杯子、筷子等等都飞了出来。窗户也都自动开关,瓦器满天飞。

东尼和 James 见状,东西也来不及烧便抱头逃出屋外,头也不回地跑得远远的。

自此以后,提起假日营,大伙儿心有余惊,James 更是不敢乱讲话了。。。

(故事九完)

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Wednesday, July 12, 2006

How To Have Body Contact

lim peh ka li kong

Since my Xiao Ma Ge (小马哥) has been asking me about the ways to start a conversation with girl girl, me begin to recall all the tricks that me knew when me was a young Beng.

Just to share my previous experiences (taking the high risks of instigations from my cha-bo-lang and suffering of pain on my ear) so that the young girl girl out there reading my blog can take care of themselves better.

What are the best ways to get real close to girl girl and will not be called "Colour-Wolf" (色狼)?

1) Invite the girl girl to watch a horror movie with you la, who knows, maybe when she is frightened she will grab you hand.
Rating : 1 star

2) Teaching the girl girl to play new ball games examples like Badminton, Table Tennis, etc. To show her the correct ways to hold the racket, bat, etc thus having a chance of holding her hand.
Rating : 2 stars

3) Teaching the girl girl how to ride bicycle. You know la, first time ride bicycle sure cannot balance one, must need people to help to support her from falling down thus inevitably kena body contact.
Rating : 3 stars

4) Dancing lesson. Just think of the chances of holding your partner´s hand, waist, shoulder while teaching and dancing with them.
Rating : 4 stars

5) The final best way is none other than teaching her swimming. He he he, teach swimming how not to have body contact one? If she is first timer, sure will sink under water and drink a mouthful of water one and thus make her even more afraid and grab you more tight tight.
Rating : 5 stars

Anyway, in the first place, if the girl girl agrees to learn new sports or dance steps or go swimming with you, the chances that she likes you is rather high, so no need all the above out-dated methods from this Old Beng la.

Wait a minute!!! What if you meet someone who is very the clever one, everything she also knows, just like my cha-bo-lang. Does it mean no more chance?

Ha ha, lim peh ka li kong, when me met my cha-bo-lang it was the reverse, me watch horror movies me scared until grabbed her hand, learnt every ball games, bike riding, dance steps and even swimming from her so me still got the chance to have body contacts, WAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

lim peh kong wan liao

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Tuesday, July 04, 2006

To Start A Conversation

lim peh ka li kong

Last night after our dinner and while me was watching TV with my Xiao Ma Ge 小马哥(Little Horse Man), he turned around and asked me the following questions.

"Pa, do you know how to break the ice and start to know a stranger whom you have never spoken to?"

"Hmmm, for me now quite simple la, just nod, smile then say "Last night got watch World-cup or not...." then automatically 2 men will talk." Me replied.

"No la, Pa. I mean the other party is not a man but a girl."

Huh?!?!?! My Xiao Ma Ge big already is it? Starting to look at girl girl already? Only 15 and he is starting liao just like Old Beng me, ha ha ha, like father like son.

Seeing me kept quiet, my Xiao Ma Ge said, "Pa never mind la, take it as I didn´t ask you since you have no experience."

"What no experience? Lim peh ka li kong, when me was a young man like you ah, me got many many experience hor..."

"Many many? Must be you are not successful la that´s why many many, he he he." Xiao Ma Ge grinned upon hearing what I said.

"衰仔 you! How dare you make fun of me, really no big no small." Me faster denied. "Many many because there were too many swee cha-bo so what to do? Like my buddy Ah Huat always says "So many girls so little time". Anyway, let lim peh teach you a few tricks, sure you can start your conversation with the girl girl."

"Me still remembered the first time me saw a No-horse-run cha-bo, very pretty, very sexy, made me swallow my saliva everytime me saw her, me also thought for a few weeks as to how to approach her and strike a conversation with her. Finally, me had a plan and one fine afternoon when me saw her walking alone at the market, me quickly walked up to her and took out a 20-cent-coin and asked her, "hello miss, you got 2 10-cent to change me or not?" Me recalled.

"So how, Pa, you really the can." Xiao Ma Ge open his eyes big big.

"Ai yo, that girl replied me, "hello, you think I money changer is it? Don´t have la, go change with the coffee shop or provisional shop la." and gave me a fierce stare."

"Ha ha ha, Pa, you really 漏气." Xiao Ma Ge laughed loudly.

"Oei! Stop laughing ok. This tactic failed neh mind, me got many many more ways. Next me used another method to try to start the conversation with another girl who stayed 3 units away who had just moved in not long ago during my Secondary 4 time. Again me got a good chance when she left her home and waited for a bus at the bus-stop and walked up to her and asked her, "hello miss, do you know what bus got go to Queenstown Road huh?"

"Pa... ha ha ha ... you really super sia... ha ha ha... so successful bo?" Xiao Ma Ge laughing again.

"It was my mistake la, she looked at me and replied, "hello you very funny huh? I just moved here yet you are asking me about buses? You must be joking, I know you stay at unit no. 12-3456" so... failed again BUT neh mind one, me got another method sure can one but need the help of a friend."

"Pa tell me more," my Xiao Ma Ge very eager to know more of my tactics.

"Got one time both me and Ah Huat "look-up" on 2 girls in the next class..."

Xiao Ma Ge interrupted me halfway, "Pa what is "look-up", they lost huh?"

"Ai-yo, look-up means 看上 la. So one day during recess, Ah Huat and me finally found a great opportunity and walked up to the 2 of them and me told one of the girl, "My friend want to know your friend" and sure enough successful finally, Ah Huat got Par-tor with the other girl but me no got chance because me forgot to say me want to know her... sigh!"

"Ha ha ha, Pa, all your methods all failed leh but never mind, you are very helpful and I know what to do now." Xiao Ma Ge said it with such confident which made me wonder which method he would follow.

"Pa, all I need to do is avoid all your methods lor." And he laughed happily....

lim peh kong wan liao

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