10 Signs You Are A Typical Singaporean

lim peh ka li kong

10 signs you are a typical Singaporean.

1) Whenever you are touring in our neighbouring countries, you talk like a bird : "Cheap! Cheap! Cheap! Cheap!" all the way.

2) You are very scared to talk about politics.

3) Your middle name is "COMPLAINT".

4) You make a marriage proposal by asking your girlfriend whether she wants to apply for a HDB flat with you.

5) You will drive to anywhere and everywhere so long as there is good food.

6) When there is a long queue, you will first get your child/maid to join the queue first and then check out where the queue will lead you to.

7) You look rich and wealthy with the Condo and Landed property and car and maid but in fact, liabilities is very much higher than you assets.

8) Your family consists of you, your spouse, your children, you dog and your maid. Parents leh?

9) You need the Government to force you to take care of your aged parents.

10) Your are generous in donations in monetary terms but too selfish to show a "Smile".

lim peh kong wan liao

距离

（旧著）

世间有那么多人，而有缘和自己碰头的人并不太多。

最亲的人要算是父母与兄弟姐妹了，再来就得算是自己的伴侣与朋友了。

看到有些人与父母亲都很亲密的交谈，互相关心，再看看自己，怎么差别那么大？

从小与父母亲都不多话，很难逼自己和他们打成一片。或许是代沟，或许是因为不习惯，反正总觉得和他们有一段距离。

我当然关心他们，也肯定爱他们，却始终无法把感情表露出来，彼此之间只是那么淡淡的、温馨的被亲情牵连着。

朋友、同事与我都有着多多少少的距离，不论是与自己的性格如何相同，总是有一点点抗拒感，或许这就是所谓的 “距离是美” 吧。

我比较喜欢初认识朋友的那种感觉，双方都不熟对方的爱好、性格，凡事都有着一段距离，彼此都很客气。

和认识较久的朋友混熟了之后，彼此之间的距离拉近了，拘束不见了，人也比较随便，那种初认识的美好感觉不见了，取代的是混熟后的直率相处、交融。

也许是我一直喜欢 “君子之交淡如水” 的感觉吧，可能就因此而难寻一知己。但人与人之间的距离是必须的，至少我认为如此。

=====

2006 后语 ：

总觉得有些人太不可思议了，只与你初见面便与你勾肩搭背、口不择言、毫无遮蔽，仿佛跟你是多年好友。

就算是亲密如夫妻也应有独自的空间，我是如此认为，嗯。

10 Signs You Are An Aunty

lim peh ka li kong

10 signs you are an aunty.

1) No children call you "jie jie" anymore, only "aunty".

2) You start to cut out the discount coupons from Newspaper and Magazine to buy stuff in the supermarket.

3) You need not worry about the shape of your eye-brows anymore cos they are tattoo-ed.

4) You used to look forward to having a romantic night with your husband but now you look forward to ending it.

5) You no longer listen to songs over radio, CD or MP3 but you tune into Chinese Radio Stations listening to some male DJ teaching you how to keep slim, eat well and stay healthy.

6) You start to nag and nag and nag and nag and nag......

7) You used to eat only half a plate of rice but now you finished even those your husband / children cannot finish eating cos you don´t want to waste food.

8) You used to complain that your parents cannot understand you but now you complain that you cannot understand your own children.

9) You demanded your husband to buy you flowers in the past but now you tell him not to waste money buying flowers but give the cash to you instead.

10) Your figure changed from a guitar to a barrel.

lim peh kong wan liao

10 Signs You Are A Young Punk

lim peh ka li kong

10 signs you know you are a young punk.

1) You can write a very long sms in extremely hyper fast speed.

2) You start your conversation with "Yo, what´s up" and slang with an accent like a chao ang mo.

3) You can´t walk, stand or sit properly with body swinging/swaying/moving non-stop.

4) You talk to your friends more than your parents and siblings.

5) Your handphone costs more than your parents´ handphones even though your have no earnings yet.

6) You can do anything for a buddy but "NO" is your immediate reply to whatever request made by your parents.

7) You can don´t eat, don´t sleep BUT cannot live without your mp3 music.

8) You don´t understand why you need to visit your relatives once a year during Chinese New Year.

9) You don´t understand your parents at all, just like they can´t understand you.

10) Burgers from Fast Food Restaurant IS considered a proper meal.

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Note : Come to think of it, Old Beng me was once a young punk too, many many years ago...

Argument Over A Small Matter

lim peh ka li kong

Last night, my 2 buddy Ah Huat and Ah Seng came to my place and chit chat and suddenly Ah Huat popped a question to us and we had a good time arguing discussing over it.

How can we differentiate people? Don´t play play hor, this topic very difficult one you know, U grads also cannot answer properly one.

After much argument discussion with vulgar wisdom words flying around, we still did not have the answer. Since we Lau Ah Bengs cannot have a satisfactory answer, any smart alec guy / gal out there boleh (can) contribute?

Ah Huat : Easy la, people can be categorised as Man and Woman with obvious reason of course.

Ah Seng : Also can divide by Old and Young.

Old Beng : Also can Fat and Thin.

Ah Huat : Tall and Short boleh also.

Ah Seng : Good looking and Ugly.

Old Beng : Dogs lovers and Cats lovers.

Ah Huat : Rich and Poor.

Ah Seng : Staying in HDB and Landed.

Old Beng : Married and Single.

Ah Huat : Got Car or No Car.

Ah Seng : You gila or what! I got 2 kar also can count or not (pointing to his 2 legs).

Ah Huat : You not gila meh? HDB or Landed!

Ah Seng : Yeah what. How can differentiate by got Car or not? Those got motorbike or van or bicycle one, where to put them? Seow!!!

Ah Huat : Then your one very good meh? HDB or Landed? Those no own a house one how? Rental only leh? Condo leh? Seow-Ding-Tong.

Old Beng : Oei, don´t quarrel la children...

Ah Seng : What!! You think you got write blog very smart is it? Your toopid Dogs and Cats lovers way? More seow only!!! How about those not love Dogs nor Cats, love birdie can not can? Love tortoise can not can?

Ah Huat : Yeah lor, some more think of Fat and Thin. Those not Fat not Thin one how? Really bo-liao la you.

Old Beng : You leh? Very smart is it? Tall and Short? Those not Tall also not Short one how? Ah Seng, you don´t laugh ok, your idea of Old and Young also ka-na-sia one, those not old not young one how?

Ah Seng : You leh Lao Ah Beng, your Married and Single not ka-na-sia la. Those married already divorced one how? Those not married but stay together one how?

Ah Huat : Hello you Lau Ah Seng, your Good looking and Ulgy also sibeh jia-lat ok. Those average looking one how?

Old Beng : Oei, your Rich and Poor also soo-ku one la, those not rich not poor one how?

Ah Seng : Yeah lor, your Man and Woman also rubbish one la, those not Man not Woman how?

And our heated argument discussion went on and on until finally we heard a ROAR and all 3 of us kept our mouths shut immediately.

Me think if without that "ROAR" we 3 goondoos would have argued until the cows go home also won´t stop.

lim peh kong wan liao

吃相

（旧著）

我一直都认为个人的身体语言 （Body Language ）是很重要的。老人家一直强调人要 “坐有坐相、吃有吃相”。

一个人一天大概会吃早、午、晚三餐吧。当然有些人会如我一般吃上四五餐，这不是贪吃，而是 “能吃就是福”。

有些人吃东西专门讲究艺术，一小口一小口的咀嚼，小心翼翼地吞下去。吃完一餐后，嘴上连一点油迹什么的都不会留在唇边。

另外有些人吃东西总会张开狮口大嘴，狼吞虎咽，仿佛吃慢一点便会输给人似的。我最怕和那些吃东西时，嘴里传来 “嗒嗒”的恐怖声的人同桌吃饭。

感觉上，男人吃东西似乎比女人来得粗鲁，直至那天让我碰上了我不想见的情形，才让我发觉原来女人吃东西的时候，那吃相有时比男人还要糟。

那天吃午餐时，见到一窈窕淑女正在吃鸡饭。长长的秀发、明亮的双眼，正与同事暗里称赞她长得还不错，却见她以手一把抓起鸡翅膀而往嘴里塞。天！！！她似乎不懂叉是做什么用的；当我和同事正双双摇着头之际，见到她把骨头吐了出来，接着以手指往嘴里挖，看来是在清除那塞在牙缝之间的鸡肉吧。我的妈！眼镜差点没从我的脸上掉下来。

为了不使我们的食欲受影响，我们哥儿俩赶紧换一个位置，眼不见为净。

换了位置后，对面坐着一名女子正与她的朋友在吃水果，只见她以那白嫩的手拿着一枝牙签刺着一片西瓜往樱桃小嘴送。

嘴巴一张、一咬，一幅令人倒胃的景象马上进入我眼里。那位小姐似乎忘了西瓜是一种水份充足的水果，只见那西瓜汁从她涂着一层厚厚唇膏的嘴唇流了下去，更分成两三路往下淌。

那小姐反应出奇的快，只见她举起另一只白嫩的手，以手背往下巴一抹，马上污迹消失，比 Dynamo “特力沫”还快！

嘴巴不错是很干净，却忘了那些汁液已“移民”到她的手背上去了。

连续目睹两宗淑女的吃相，我和同事马上逃之夭夭，赶回办公室里去吹冷气。

以后每次去餐厅用餐总会眼看八方，避免再次见到那两名淑女。

阿弥陀佛，善哉善哉！别让我又吃不下饭。

=====

2006 后语 ：

年少、狂妄、浮燥。

以现在的心态肯定不会写下这类文章。。。

10 Signs Of A Male Driver

lim peh ka li kong

10 signs you know the driver is probably not a woman

1) While in stationary positions, sure will see 1 or 2 digging their nose.

2) Blasting the audio at the highest volume, scared people don´t know he has a POWERFUL system.

3) Cannot wait for even a second or 2, start to honk when you don´t start driving when the traffic lights turn green.

4) Driving at above 80 km/h regardless of Expressway or small roads.

5) Either too lazy or simply bo-chap to indicate signals when he needs to turn or change lanes.

6) Although deliberately forgets about the signal function, never forgets to honk at other drivers when given a chance.

7) Never, ever will ask for direction. Real MCP!

8) He will never stop when the traffic lights turn Amber but speeds faster to beat the Red lights.

9) Always thinks that he is the best driver in the world.

10) Cannot stand seeing young pretty girls driving nice cars with the remarks in his head, " tsk, tsk, must be a mistress to a filthy rich old man or driving the family´s car."

lim peh kong wan liao

10 Signs The Driver Is Probably Not A Man

lim peh ka li kong

Before going into the 10 signs, please ask yourself this question: Have you ever met with a lousy driver and automatically in you mind came this assumption, "Must be a cha-bo (female) driver".

To be frank, although will 得罪女人, offend the ladies, many times when me met with a lousy driver, me will immediately, inevitably assumed that the driver is definitely a female and Bingo, 9 out of 10 times I am correct.

Not only male drivers like me assume so, some stylo-milo female drivers will also assume so if they meet with such lousy female drivers.

Me do not deny that there are some good, gooder and goodest female drivers around, maybe 1 out of 10, majorities are in fact quite kayu one la. (My cha-bo-lang also agrees that many female drivers really cannot make it one.)

My cha-bo-lang´s driving skill?

No horse run!!

I can only tell you that she thinks that her Proton is a Porsche and drives like one, fast bo? She is one hell driver - fast, faster, fastest. (Understand Monkichi is also a very fast and darling... eh I mean daring driver but only hearsay, have not any chance to be driven by her yet.)

So my point is, there are many female drivers out there driving along with us and the followings are facts so welcome to agree or argue and leave your comments.

Here we go:

10 signs you know the driver is probably not a man.

1) The car goes in and out, in and out, in and out of the parking lot, trying very hard to get a proper parking. (Be it a reverse or parellel parking).

2) Standing beside the car with a flat tyre waiting for some nice guy to help to change the tyre.

3) 5 seconds after the traffic light turns "green" and still in stationary position and only engages driving gear after the cars behind sound their honks.

4) Drving at 70 km/h or less while travelling at extreme right lane on Express Way.

5) Extremely slow cautious driver, whether driving on a straight road or a bend.

6) Driving out from a small lane into the major lane will take ages and ages and good luck if you are behind the car.

7) Dont know how to pump petrol at petrol koisks, must need the kiosk uncles to help.

8) There are many many many cutie soft toys in the car as decoration.

9) The driver is wearing a long sleeve shirt (but worn the other way round to cover the exposed area of the arms from the hot sun) and a pair of gloves.

10) While stationary at the traffic light, the distance from the car in front is as far as a car´s length or even more.

Oosh, before anyone starts throwing rotten eggs at old beng, me just stating some observed facts only.

lim peh kong wan liao

钱

（旧著）

钱是一种连小孩子都晓得是什么的东西。以前还是一个孩子的时候，根本不懂得钱其实得来不易，轻易的就把身上所拥有的零用钱花掉。

踏入社会工作，才明白赚钱的困难，每天得七早八早起身，然后把整个人整副心投入工作。如此这般 “卖身” 卖了三十天，才得到那一点点的薪水。

一位艺人曾这么说过，“金钱不是万能的，但是没有钱是万万不能的。”

现在到处都是卡的世界：信用卡和 “NETS” 卡，MRT 卡等等。看来不久后，钱将肯定会被卡取代。

有信用卡好吗？其实那是令你花钱花得最快的一种工具。由于签卡的当儿根本见不到钱由皮包里消失，就不怎么心疼。然后月尾到来，帐单送来，才惊觉原来自己在不知不觉中花了那么多钱，顿时心痛、眼痛、头痛、牙痛、全身痛了起来。绝不夸张。

谁不爱钱？只要看看每个周末那么多人排队买马票，就知道个个都想发财！

有时看到别人轻轻松松一赚就几千元，自己做牛做马，打拼得要死要活，都没这数目，说不羡慕他，不妒忌他是骗你的，但是又何奈？

看到别人年纪轻轻就驾着昂贵跑车满街走，自己老大不小了，还得与别人挤地铁、挤巴士；看到他人每年都去旅行，到日本、巴黎、美国等等，不眼红也是骗人的。

但，又能怎样？鬼叫你穷？

只能天天吃面包、挤巴士，能省则省，没钱就得这样，要享受？等存够钱才说吧。

WHAT TO DO？这个社会就是这么现实！

=====

2006 后语：

刚开始工作时，薪水少是正常的，只是当时年少、血气方刚、样样看不顺眼、事事不悦。

奔波了大半生，总算有了些许成绩，比上不足，比下有余，值得安慰。

10 Signs You Are In Deep Shit

lim peh ka li kong

10 signs you know your are in deep shit:

1) You were happily gossiping and bad-mouthing your Boss with your other colleagues, not knowing your Boss was standing behind you all the while.

2) You forgot to keep your Company´s letter pads, Stick-on.me pads, etc with the Company´s Logo printed on them when you invited your Boss to your house for dinner and he saw those pads lying around everywhere.

3) While watching a movie during your MC-keng day, you met your BOSS in the same Cinema.

4) You told your girlfriend you had to work overtime but actually went out with a new chick and suay suay met your girlfriend´s parents / aunties / siblings / girlfriend or worst, met her whole family.

5) Rushing into the public toilet just on time without letting go onto your undies BUT realised that there is no paper in it and your smallest dollars are the $50 notes.

6) For once, you studied thoroughly and very confident that you will score for the test / examination except to realise that you have studied the wrong subject.

7) You thought you were gonna fart but "SHIT" came out instead when you let go and you were nowhere near home.

8) Halfway during surgical operations, the surgeon who was operating you suddenly let out a gasp of "ooops" and followed by "Oh Shit!"

9) Your computer monitor suddenly "hang" on the porno page your were surfing when your wife walked into the room.

10) You forgot to buy your wife´s routine 4D numbers and it came out 1st prize.

lim peh kong wan liao

10 Signs You Are A Middle-Aged Man

lim peh ka li kong

10 signs you know you are a middle-aged man

1) You are starting to be easily irritated by the Youngsters more than ever, be it the way they speak, sit or stand.

2) Eating is also a form of Exercise.

3) In your mind, the best clothings a Woman can possibly put on is her Birthday Suit.

4) Don´t know how to use the functions in the mobile phone.

5) You don´t need 7 different sets of clothings for a one-week tour, 2 sets is ok and 3 sets is the maximum.

6) Nothing excites you anymore except maybe the figures in the bank book.

7) The best place on Earth is the big, comfortable sofa in front of the TV set.

8) The once 6-pack in the middle has somehow clustered into 1 round ball.

9) Don´t always say our body got no shape cos ROUND is also a shape, especially to middle-aged uncles.

10) You always talk about your "Good Old Days..." 想当年...

lim peh kong wan liao

¼ 世纪的我

（旧著）

一个人能有多少个25 年？数来数去，最多也只是三个半。

但三个半的前十年年幼无知，根本无从知晓自己在做什么？只是一日复一日的晃过，一天一天的把时光浪费掉，十年漫长的岁月就只换回一串童年的回忆。

只一瞬间，便已达 ¼ 世纪的年龄，快的令人来不及去迎接它的降临。岁月的流逝对每个人都是公平的，不管你愿意与否，都无法抗拒它。

四份之一世纪的男子的心情是怎样的？

我想十个当中会有十个截然不同的心情，个人的心境也因人而异。

我的心境虽不至于说苍老，但肯定已不再年少。

快乐无忧的童年已逝，织梦的年龄也早已过，事业上的冲刺已逐渐被磨谈了；踏入25 岁的我已不再奢求什么。该有的都已拥有过，不该有的又何必去追求呢？

拥有与否又有多大分别？

有或没有，日子还是得照样的过。得之，幸也；失之，命也。

一次感情纠纷，元气大伤。套一句亦舒的话：“想不到二十世纪快九十年代，失恋还是照样令人感到心痛。”

总是告诉自己，不能长久的心痛。让时间，让空间把一切遗忘；然而总在不经意中，再次被唤回的记忆刺伤。

多希望自己能与世无争，做个真正四大皆空的人，但到底失败了。

第一个 ¼ 世纪的我做不到与世无争，也许必须等到第二个 ¼ 世纪才能真正凡事都放得开，如果活了半个世纪还是和现在一样，那真是彻底的失败。

活了这些年，回头一看才发现根本没真正拥有过什么。25 年只换来一些微不足道的人生经验，代价太贵，但又能怎样？经验根本不是能用钱财买的，只能以时间去换取。

25 岁的我到底是年青还是年老？我不晓得。

25 岁肯定不再属于年轻的岁月，但也还没步入年老阶段。

25 岁只是很普通的 ¼ 世纪。

只知道今日过后就是明日，既不能后退就只能面对它。

平凡普通的四份之一世纪的年纪。

四份之一世纪的我就是如此而已。。。

====

2006 后语 ：

我想每个人都会经历过这样的阶段 ：

十多岁的时候，觉得自己青春无限。
二十出头的时候反而会常常对他人诉说自己已老了。
一过三十便不想再谈年龄的问题。
四十过后，心态不同了，反而能坦然自若。

重读 25 岁写的这篇文章，才知晓自己当时真的“为赋新词强说愁”。。。