lim peh ka li kong 令伯卡你讲

Skill and style of telling stories is as per what you see - Singlish plus Hokkien dialects. Kam siah for coming into my BLOG and read, thank you! All content is copywrite "Old Beng" unless otherwise noted.

Monday, October 29, 2007

欠扁问答题(四)

再来一些冷冷的问题与笑话:

地震的时候,在什么地方最安全?












在飞机上。


最会跳舞的狗是什么狗?












Tango


在一间屋子里,鸽子会藏在哪里?












屋顶,因为 “在屋顶唱(藏)着你的歌(鸽)”


哪一朵花最没力,我们都知道是茉莉花因为 “好一朵没力的茉莉花”,那什么花最有力?












“牵牛” 花


狗的儿子和龙的儿子有几点差异?












一点,犬子和太子。


长颈鹿的脖子为什么那么长?












因为上吊不成功。



有个病人到医院检查,结果医生告诉病人说,你要看开一点,请问这个病人得了什么病?












斗鸡眼。


降落伞和保险套最大的不同是什么?












降落伞破了世界上就少了一个人;保险套破了世界上就多了一个人。


女生最喜欢色狼哪一点?












滚远一点。


他走了 (猜一家店名)












IKEA (台语 - 伊走)


枝安有五颗糖,吃了两颗后,被大雄和他的女友看见。。。大雄说,“好东西是应该和好朋友分享的。” 请问枝安该怎么做?












向大雄说声 “谢谢”,然后带走大雄的女朋友。


女人跟冰箱冷藏库有何相同点?












一样是放肉的。


女人跟冰箱冷藏库有何不同点?












一个是肉软的进去,硬着出来;
一个是肉硬的进去,软着出来;
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Wednesday, October 24, 2007

10 Signs You Are A Singaporean Aunty

lim peh ka li kong

Today´s "10 signs on Singapore Aunty" is not the same as lim peh´s previous "10 Signs You Are An Aunty," hor, got difference one la.

There are many many aunties in the world but today emphasize on Aunties in Singapore. (Certain points were inspired by an email me received from a friend).

1. You unwrap gifts very carefully, so you can save and reuse the wrapping (and especially those bows).

2. You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times.

3. You save grocery bags and use the grocery bags to hold garbage.

4. You don't own any real Tupperware - only a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed margarine tubs, take out containers and jam jars.

5. You own a rice cooker and slow cooker.

6. You wash your rice at least 2-3 times before cooking it.

7. You're a wok user.

8. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs still attached - it means they're fresh.

9. You always cook too much.

10. Your toothpaste tubes are all squeezed paper-thin.

lim peh kong wan liao
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Friday, October 19, 2007

笑一笑

令伯卡你讲

那天令伯收到几则好笑的 sms,与大家分享分享:

=====

快乐人生的最高境界

睡觉睡到自然醒 - - - 舒服啊!
数钱数到手抽筋 - - - 钱多啊!
悲惨人生的最低境界
睡觉睡到手抽筋 - - - 生病啦!
数钱数到自然醒 - - - 做梦呢!

=====

先生,不要这么冲动,不要这么紧张,好吗?

可以慢慢进的,看准那个洞才来进好吗?

还有,要出的时候要小心啊,不要外泄,等下又要拿布来抹,真麻烦啊!

噢,对了,当你要把那整支拔出来时,make sure 你已经出到完,不然浪费啊!

谢谢您光临,欢迎有空再来添油,小心驾驶,再见。

=====

某少妇有外遇。

她的情人想邀她幽会时就发短信给她:

赵兄托你帮我办点事!

其夫破解短讯后大怒,何解?


















原来短讯的真正内容必须倒过来读

=====

令伯讲完了
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Tuesday, October 16, 2007

My Lucky Friend

lim peh ka li kong

My buddy R came back to Singapore from Beijing for a short holiday. The last time we met was more than a year ago, click here to read our last meeting. The one in the middle is R.

He wrote a super-duper 劲的 article which lim peh posted it here.

Lim peh always like to tell people that we have known each other since our Dinosaur´s time, since Primary One i.e. 7 years old until now, wah-piangz... 36 long years liao.

This R really very lucky when he came back to Singapore with his wife recently.

They came back from Beijing, China booking with Air China on Economy class tickets. Upon their checking in to the counter in Beijing Airport, they were told that the Economy seats were all taken up.

Apparently, this "Overselling" of air tickets is the common practice in China.

Since Air China´s own Business Class seats are also all taken up, the Air China personnels had no other alternative except to seek help from other Air Lines.

That is when Air China approached Singapore Airline for help and my friend R and his wife were offered to fly back to Singapore taking Singapore Airline.

Just think about it, switching from Air China to Singapore Airline at no extra cost and better still, they got upgraded to a better class than the original booked Economy class ticket.

Business Class tickets?

No Man!!! They were upgraded to FIRST CLASS TICKET!!!

What a lucky guy R was.

lim peh kong wan liao
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Friday, October 12, 2007

欠扁问答题(三)

刚听到一些有趣的问题:


什么水果的视力最差?












芒果 (盲果)


有什么东西可以洗但不能晒,可以吃但不能吞?












麻将

哪个历史人物跑得最快?












曹操因为说到曹操,曹操就到。


在中文字当中,什么字最酷?












“丁” 因为丁字裤


在一次考试中,一对同桌交了一模一样的考卷,老师却认为他们没有作弊,为什么?












因为他们两人都交白卷。


世界上什么鱼最好钓?












食人鱼,只要把手指放进水中就可以钓到。


那一国人不用电?












缅甸人 (免电人)


刚隆胸的女人?(猜一国家)












新加坡


没有女人的城市?












汉城


两棵螺丝(猜一国家)












俄罗斯 (二螺丝)


一个拳击手进电梯里,为什么电梯小姐会被打?












因为拳击手一听到《叮》一声就开始打了。


国王坐飞机。(猜一女歌星)












王菲(飞)


打电话给乌龟。(猜一蔬菜)












苦瓜 (台语 – call 龟)


为什么电影 “大只佬” 不能有续集?












因为不能叫 “大只佬二”。


什么电影不能拍到第八集?












“金鸡”


两个裸体女人面对面。(猜一饮料)












豆奶 (鬥奶)


腿长的男人,可以用哪两个字形容?












蛋糕


洞房花烛夜。(猜一字)












窥 (把字拆开就会明白)
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Wednesday, October 10, 2007

A Day Of My Life

lim peh ka li kong

lim peh was waken up this morning by her usual kiss on my cheek
After having a short dip in my swimming poollim peh went to have my breakfast.

After looking at the shares that lim peh bought yesterday, me sold them and made some peanuts
(the Dooooorai standard).

Drove my car
out to office.

Sign some cheques then flew
to meet up with buddy
to discuss on our latest business deal.

Wanted to have a quiet lunch but met him
and
Both wanted me to be their next main role of their new movies but lim peh rejected cos lim peh very bo-eng.

Then

and
came and both of them left, right centre me and tried to persuade lim peh to act with them. Hmmm, they must have been sent by the 2 Directors to psycho lim peh.

While talking to them, lim peh´s handphone rang, he called
to ask me for some advice.

Too busy to talk to him so lim peh told him to get an appointment with my secretary
Dine and party with this group of girls
before going our separate ways. (Don´t ya wish ya girlfriend was hot like me~~~)

Think lim peh still prefer Asian to Ang-mo and yesterday´s dinner and party with them was much betterThen went home but she was waiting outside

I told her to leave me alone as lim peh already married.

Went home, read email, write blog and went to bed but instead of falling asleep, lim peh woke up to REALITY.

Aiyo, just a dream. DER!

lim peh kong wan liao

Note: Inspired by Cheeky´s blog whereby lim peh read long long time ago.
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Monday, October 08, 2007

Jokes On Monday

lim peh ka li kong

Jokes for you on Monday

=====

Did you hear about the Blind man that went Bunjee jumping?
Scared the hell out of the dog.

=====

Why don't oysters give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.

=====

So the elephant says to the naked Lau Hero. . .
"You breathe through that little thing?"

=====

Old Beng and Lau Hero met in the locker room after a game of tennis. Old Beng noticed Lau Hero was putting on a pair of stockings and suspenders.

Old Beng asked Lau Hero, "When did you start wearing them?"

To which Lau Hero replied, "Since my wife found a pair on the back seat of the car."

=====

lim peh kong wan liao

Note : All jokes are not the creation of Old Beng, sources from emails and hear-say.
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Friday, October 05, 2007

失眠夜 - 老牙心诗

静 ~ ~ ~
宇宙
四周围



内心


世界





澎湃











思念
不停追噬
贪婪袭击着



静....... 喧....... 交....... 替.......
脑海里




======

写于2007 年 3 月 13 号
凌晨

事因一, 事因二, 事因三.
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Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Cha-Bo-Lang´s Birthday - 01.10.2007

lim peh ka li kong

Last year, lim peh wrote a post and sang a song for my cha-bo-lang on her Birthday, click here, to read again, lim peh kena-ed for 1 long year.

This year, lim peh smart liao, won´t sing song anymore, just put some photos ok liao.

Birthday Cake


A Birthday gift from our nephew to my cha-bo-lang : A photo-holder


Maid

Nephew and Maid

Cake, Flowers, Gifts* and Cards
*Thanks to Jiahao, Jonathan and Jolene

Muacks!!!!
lim peh kong wan liao
Old Beng
01st October, 2007
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